I have had cats all my life. Tinker Tom, Ginger, SiSi, Patches, Blackie, Snicker, Twinkie, Charlemagne, Lolly, Anastasia, Panther, Grace, Shadow, and Demitri, to name a few. Yes, it's true, I haven't been the best at coming up with names, but a few of them are pretty regal! They have been some of my most faithful friends; seeing me through countless moves, illness, adolescent heartbreak, grief, culture shock, and life struggles. Each one has listened without speaking and loved without judging. They seem to know when things aren't going well, showing up at just the right time to curl up, purr, and wipe away my tears with their noses rubbed on my face. Today was another one of those days where kitty kisses seemed to make things better.
I went to the doctor yesterday and the news was good. I had a normal white blood cell count! My platelets are low, but they should be back up by Monday in time for me to receive my fourth chemo treatment. That's all good, but can I tell you how sick I am of going to doctors' offices? I have 1-3 visits to doctor offices every week. And I don't want to go anymore.
I so wish I could go back to my old life, but I know that that will never happen. Everything has changed. Things will eventually settle down and they will probably be better, but they will never be the same. I am different. Mark is different. Our relationship is different. Our thinking is different. All for the better I'm sure, but it's painful to change. There is grief in the process, even when the changes are good ones. I just want to be on the other side of this.
As I was thinking all these thoughts today I came across a verse of Scripture that I've probably read a thousand times, but for some reason today it really spoke to me.
"In my presence you live and move and have your being." Acts 17:28
I am never outside of His presence. Ever. I live in His presence. I move in His presence. My very being comes to life in His presence. How cool is that?! Every time I go to the doctor I am surrounded by His presence. Every time I run to the bathroom I am surrounded by His presence. Every time I swallow a pill I am surrounded by His presence. Every time they infuse crazy chemicals into my body I am surrounded by His presence. Every tear I cry, He feels. Every hope or wish or dream I have, He knows. Every loss, every painful readjustment of my life, every thing I've missed out on in the last six months, He has been there. Filtering everything that comes into my life through His fingers of love. I am never outside of His presence. I will make it through this, because in His presence I live and move and have my being.
And then Demitri wanders over, hops up in my lap, immediately begins purring, and wipes the tears from my cheeks with his sweet kitty kisses. Gotta love him!