I went to the doctor yesterday and the news was good. I had a normal white blood cell count! My platelets are low, but they should be back up by Monday in time for me to receive my fourth chemo treatment. That's all good, but can I tell you how sick I am of going to doctors' offices? I have 1-3 visits to doctor offices every week. And I don't want to go anymore.
I so wish I could go back to my old life, but I know that that will never happen. Everything has changed. Things will eventually settle down and they will probably be better, but they will never be the same. I am different. Mark is different. Our relationship is different. Our thinking is different. All for the better I'm sure, but it's painful to change. There is grief in the process, even when the changes are good ones. I just want to be on the other side of this.
As I was thinking all these thoughts today I came across a verse of Scripture that I've probably read a thousand times, but for some reason today it really spoke to me.
"In my presence you live and move and have your being." Acts 17:28
I am never outside of His presence. Ever. I live in His presence. I move in His presence. My very being comes to life in His presence. How cool is that?! Every time I go to the doctor I am surrounded by His presence. Every time I run to the bathroom I am surrounded by His presence. Every time I swallow a pill I am surrounded by His presence. Every time they infuse crazy chemicals into my body I am surrounded by His presence. Every tear I cry, He feels. Every hope or wish or dream I have, He knows. Every loss, every painful readjustment of my life, every thing I've missed out on in the last six months, He has been there. Filtering everything that comes into my life through His fingers of love. I am never outside of His presence. I will make it through this, because in His presence I live and move and have my being.
And then Demitri wanders over, hops up in my lap, immediately begins purring, and wipes the tears from my cheeks with his sweet kitty kisses. Gotta love him!
Your transparency is refreshing and a reflection of God in so many ways! Can't really explain it, but it is always what my mind is drawn to when I read your posts. It seems like no matter what God is allowing you to go through, that you fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith. When I read what you are going through and all the change and pain, I think of David, Job, Paul, etc. I think of God being our Redeemer! I think of Nehemiah and how honest he was with God even in the midst of fear, but turned his face to him and trusted him. Praying for you tonight that God not only redeems you physically, but redeems all of this in ways you cannot fathom! I will continue to pray.........
ReplyDeleteFrom the poet Epimenides (or so they say)!!
ReplyDeleteThey fashioned a tomb for thee, O holy and high one
The Cretans, always liars, evil beasts, idle bellies!
But thou art not dead: thou livest and abidest forever,
For in thee we live and move and have our being.
Paul must have mulled over these words again and again through all of his struggles too, applying them to Christ rather than Zues. A poet bringing encouragement to people he never intended thousands of years later - how crazy! I have always liked that passage :).
Cute little Demitri! Okie Doke always makes me feel better too.
God is giving you very life specific verses to hold and keep you and build you up against the chemicals that are doing their own battle physically. The battle and balance of the power of God's might will keep you steady and plowing through this time.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong in Him and you can do this. You are not alone.
Much love to you
More tears from me for you, today. Can't explain. I love you sweet Laura. Marilyn
ReplyDelete