Saturday, June 13, 2009

Grief comes

Yesterday I sent out an email to the COF group who is traveling to Burundi on Sunday.  It was just to remind them what time to be at the airport, not to forget their passports and yellow fever vaccine certificates, and to start taking their anti-malaria medicine.  The last statement I made to them was this, “We believe that God hand-picked each of you to be a part of this team and we know that He is going to teach you and stretch you and use you.  Rest in His hands and allow Him to do His work.”  And I wonder…why didn’t He hand pick me?  I so wanted to go on this trip, to meet the people I have been praying for, to celebrate the goodness of God toward them.  I’ve been waiting and planning and working on this trip for a year.  Why not me? 

God whispers in my ear, “I have a better plan for you.  I hand picked you for something else.  Wait for me.” 

I don’t understand.  But I choose to trust Him again.

I wake myself up today with silent sobs.  I was dreaming.  I was with Sarah and Ashley.  They were showing me pictures and souvenirs from their trip this summer.  Pictures of all the places they went, pictures of my family having fun together, typical silly pictures of the girls together…And I start to cry, racking sobs, for the things I missed.  I am grieving in my dreams.  I wake up and wish I could go back to that place with my girls.  I want to hold them tight.  What else will I miss?  The tears come again.


  1. Laura,
    My heart aches for you. You are so brave and strong though you may not feel that way today. You are touching so many through this blog, so I know God must have had this planned for you. Thank you for your courage. I laugh, I cry and I pray with you!!!

  2. Laura,

    While you were writing this, I was writing to you on your FB about Africa. It is interesting how God works. He is a GOOD GOD and he is holding you tight right now, just like you want to hold your babies!! I will pray for your dreams to be pleasant and your spirit to be lifted up!!

    I am sending HUGS, your way! Hope you feel them!

    Paula Petritz

  3. We feel you here with us! None of this makes sense to me either, but you can smile and think of me and Robert Salsa dancing on Claude and Kelley's patio & David driving with the wheel on the wrong side of the car in Burundi & Sarah and Ash going to the floating river market in Amsterdam!! We take you & dad with us wherever we go. We love you - smile, cry, grieve & get better :).

  4. Your post gave me goosebumps! Thank you for sharing!

  5. Laura,
    I can't imagine your sorrow and anguish today, but I know this: Satan wants to steal your joy! Don't let him. I have so often allowed him to do just that and I have to fall before my Lord and beg Him to restore it!
    You will miss nothing, if He is your everything.

  6. hey mamba!!
    Ashley says you suck for making her sad.. ;)
    ok, not really...but we do miss you and love you! everywhere we go, we are like, "ooh mom would love this!" and we got you a cute lil souvenier! We were going to smuggle some tulip bulbs home, but didnt know if they would grow to well in houston! let us know if you still want some, though! We will just have to all stop by amsterdam again next summer on our way to burundi!
    me and ash are pros at this city now, we took a map with us today, but of course can't hardly read it, so we mostly wandered around for three and a half hours, but we did find some cool sites! and we ate dinner at a mexican food restaurant, which was interesting to say the least!
    looove you and miss you!
    sarah and ashley

  7. Hey Laura --

    I am so sorry for all of the emotional pain you are having to go through right now! It really bites! My heart so goes out to you because I know what a loss it is, for Burundi, as well as for you, that you weren't able to go. I still marvel at your candor and honesty with all of it -- it is such a wonderful thing you are able to put out there and I hope you know the impact it actually has. It helps each and every one of us to better cope with whatever is going on in our own lives because it helps us to not feel so alone in our sadness..our grief..our anger..our feeling like we are missing out..our questioning. And it also helps us to hold on to our hope..our faith..our joy..our Lord and Savior! You truly are an amazing and inspirational woman! Hugs and lots of love sent your way! :o)

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  9. You are inspiring sooo many of us right now - no pressure - just keep blogging and healing as we all lift you up in prayer 24/7...don't let the devil steal your joy...

  10. Sweet Laura, Not sure I will be able to write on your blog for the next 2 weeks in Africa BUT nothing will stop me from praying for you several times daily. God is teaching you something? God is teaching all of us something from you illness and this blod.

    My verse for you today is
    John 15:4 "Remain in Me"
    John 15:7 "Ask what you will"

    I'll take care of you kids! You take care of my Beloved Bill.

    I love you so,
    Marilyn Lewis

  11. Know that we love you so much. Audrey and Brent

  12. Laura,

    Psalms 56:8 says:

    8 You keep track of all my sorrows.

    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

    The Lord knows not just your heart, but what each individual tear that drops from your eyes is shed over....isn't that incredible? That is one of my favorite verses.

    Mark prayed over me two years ago as I was in the process of miscarrying our fourth child. It was so painful---I had wanted that baby so badly, had been led by the Lord into the desire to have it, and that was His plan for that precious one. For me, it created a much, much deeper, more intimate dependent relationship on Him that completely changed my life in every way. It was just the beginning of Him turning my life and that of my marriage and family on it's head to finally heal some very old, very deep wounds and for Him to use my experience to minister to many other women since then who came to me for prayer and support when they miscarried themselves.

    We are fed not for ourselves, but to feed others. What is that verse that we bless others to inherit a blessing or is it the other way around? We can't ever outgive him and He loves to surprise us.

    I was awestruck this morning during communion by the lyrics in Amazing Grace:

    And like a flood His mercy reigns
    Unending love, Amazing grace

    I love that. His mercy is so great it doesn't just gently wash over us like sitting in the sand at the surf. It surrounds us completely and overwhelms us. What an awesome thing to be overwhelmed by! Amazing is defined as causing great surprise or sudden wonder. Don't you love that? He is ready to surprise us greatly with His grace.

    May His flood of mercy, His kind of unending love and His surprise of grace be what fills every moment for you and your family through this. He has a bottle just for your tears. He loves you so much.

  13. Just crying now as I read this post. I know your heart aches right now to be with your girls and your COF family. I am amazed to see you on the weekends and how good you look then to read about the grief you are feeling right now..I am so glad you are putting your feelings out there good, bad or ugly because it shows people that you are only human...Some days you just need to grieve and then the moment passes because God says he will provide the comfort you need...As much as you want to hold your girls tight, hold tight to your Heavenly Father just as tight because he is there for you just as you always remind us. I love you so very much and am so glad to be a part of your extended family.

  14. Laura...I love you and pray that God blesses you ten times over! I know he is soooo very proud of you.

    Vickie Dismuke