Yesterday I sent out an email to the COF group who is traveling to Burundi on Sunday. It was just to remind them what time to be at the airport, not to forget their passports and yellow fever vaccine certificates, and to start taking their anti-malaria medicine. The last statement I made to them was this, “We believe that God hand-picked each of you to be a part of this team and we know that He is going to teach you and stretch you and use you. Rest in His hands and allow Him to do His work.” And I wonder…why didn’t He hand pick me? I so wanted to go on this trip, to meet the people I have been praying for, to celebrate the goodness of God toward them. I’ve been waiting and planning and working on this trip for a year. Why not me?
God whispers in my ear, “I have a better plan for you. I hand picked you for something else. Wait for me.”
I don’t understand. But I choose to trust Him again.
I wake myself up today with silent sobs. I was dreaming. I was with Sarah and Ashley. They were showing me pictures and souvenirs from their trip this summer. Pictures of all the places they went, pictures of my family having fun together, typical silly pictures of the girls together…And I start to cry, racking sobs, for the things I missed. I am grieving in my dreams. I wake up and wish I could go back to that place with my girls. I want to hold them tight. What else will I miss? The tears come again.