What a joy it is!

Since the beginning of 2009, I have felt a very real deep love for God.  I have loved Him for a long time as my God, as my Savior, as my friend, but this year it has become something even more special.  I have felt “in love” with Him.  It feels the same as when I first fell in love with Mark – I wanted to talk to him all the time, I wanted to spend all my time with him,  I wanted to listen to his voice, I thought about Him all the time, I arranged my schedule to be with him, I put him at the top of my priority list.  Any of you who have been in love before know what I’m talking about.  That’s how I’ve felt in my relationship with God in 2009.  It has been a very sweet time together this year. 

Two days before I was diagnosed with cancer, my friend, Donald Butler, sent me a link to a new song he had written.  He wanted my opinion on the song.  He said it was a work in progress.  I went to the link and listened to the song and it just made me smile – it expressed exactly what I had been feeling about my God.  These are the words of the chorus:

To live my life to know you, God, what a joy it is!
To think your thoughts, to breathe Your name, what a joy it is!
To follow hard after you, God, what a joy it is!
To know your mercy is enough, what a joy it is!

The same joy I have known all year, the same joy I felt two days before my diagnosis, is the same joy I feel today.  It is truly a joy to know my God.  Cancer can't take that away from me.  Thank you, Donald, for a great song that captures my heart for God!

“And Nehemiah continued, 'Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!'"   Nehemiah 8:10

“The Lord is my strength and shield.I trust him with all my heart.  He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.  I burst out in songs of thanksgiving."  Psalm 28:6-8

 My prayer is that you, too, will know what a joy it is!

p.s.  I still feel that way about Mark!

It's a Family Thing

One of the things I have learned about cancer is that it is not a diagnosis of one person.  The cancer diagnosis effects the whole extended family and friends.  When a doctor speaks the word "cancer" it feels like a punch in the stomach to the patient as well as to everyone who knows and loves that person.  Cancer has a history of being a feared disease because of the difficulty in treating it effectively and in finding a cure or preventative treatment for it.  

The fact that it is a "family diagnosis" has proven to be a source of great strength and comfort to me and Mark.  We have received hundreds of phone calls, emails, comments, text messages, cards, letters, hugs, encouraging words, flowers, food, and gifts (it's almost like Christmas around here!).  We have also felt the strength of literally thousands of people praying constantly around the globe.  

Here is a glimpse of how the cancer diagnosis has effected my family:

Family Trips to the doctor's office:

Callie and Ashley deciding that they will cut the tumor out themselves if they have to!

Chaco, Mark,  Ashley, and Demitri collapsing after a day of medical appointments and procedures:

Mark and Ashley singing original "I Hate Cancer" songs (No, neither of them can play the guitar!):

God has blessed me with the most amazing family and friends.  I am so glad you are in this with me.  I couldn't do it without you!  And to all of you who feel like you need to "do something" and you feel helpless, please be aware that  just knowing you are there should I need to call on you is a tremendous comfort and strength for me.  Thank you for standing with us!

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."  Proverbs 17:17

Thank you for being my friends.

Update:  Week one of chemo and radiation is complete with no side effects other than being tired.  Week two starts tomorrow!

Grief comes

Yesterday I sent out an email to the COF group who is traveling to Burundi on Sunday.  It was just to remind them what time to be at the airport, not to forget their passports and yellow fever vaccine certificates, and to start taking their anti-malaria medicine.  The last statement I made to them was this, “We believe that God hand-picked each of you to be a part of this team and we know that He is going to teach you and stretch you and use you.  Rest in His hands and allow Him to do His work.”  And I wonder…why didn’t He hand pick me?  I so wanted to go on this trip, to meet the people I have been praying for, to celebrate the goodness of God toward them.  I’ve been waiting and planning and working on this trip for a year.  Why not me? 

God whispers in my ear, “I have a better plan for you.  I hand picked you for something else.  Wait for me.” 

I don’t understand.  But I choose to trust Him again.

I wake myself up today with silent sobs.  I was dreaming.  I was with Sarah and Ashley.  They were showing me pictures and souvenirs from their trip this summer.  Pictures of all the places they went, pictures of my family having fun together, typical silly pictures of the girls together…And I start to cry, racking sobs, for the things I missed.  I am grieving in my dreams.  I wake up and wish I could go back to that place with my girls.  I want to hold them tight.  What else will I miss?  The tears come again.

The "Author and Finisher" of our faith...

I have kept a journal for many years.  Writing helps me to process things, thus the creation of this blog!  My journal has been a great tool for me to spend time with God every day.  I use it to write out my prayers, to write down things that God is teaching me and things that we are still working on together.  One of the best things about having a journal is to be able to look back and see how God has answered my prayers and to see His hand moving and working in my life.  I don't think that is unique to my life, I believe He is moving and working in each of our lives; but my journal helps me to recognize Him in my life.  

Last night I went back to the beginning of 2009 just to see what I had been praying for in my life. Here are some of my requests:

• Help me to see with Your eyes
• Help me to see the opportunities You bring into my life
• Make me an accurate reflection of You
• Convict me of Your truth
• Thank you that you are in charge of my physical body (prayed back in February!)
• Help me to recognize You
• Help me to honor You in all I do
• Help me to wait on You, to rest in You
• Help me to pray without ceasing
• Help me to walk with You and to be like You
• Help me to remember that You are my God, You are in control, You are working
• Draw me deeper and closer to You
• Help me to give in to the pressure of Your hands and to be malleable
• Help me to keep trusting You in spite of anything
• Help me to understand You a little more
• Thank You that You are completing Your good plan
• Teach me, stretch me, make me, use me
• Help me to be fully committed, 100%, body and soul

Funny thing, I think God is answering my prayers!  

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."  Philippians 1:6

Reach out and touch someone!

I am a registered nurse.  When I was in nursing school I remember studying the healing power of touch.  I never fully understood it until now...

I was on the exam table in the office of the colorectal surgeon, in a very uncomfortable position, enduring a very uncomfortable exam.  The nurse reached out and touched my arm.  It was a very small gesture, but it spoke volumes to me.  That touch instantly transmitted peace to me.  It told me that they recognized I was still a person and not just a cancer diagnosis.  It told me that they were standing with me.  It told me that they understood I was uncomfortable and that they would do what they could to make it the least uncomfortable possible.  It told me that they cared.  The power of the human touch...

I was lying face down on the radiation table, again in an uncomfortable position, listening to people I couldn't see move and work around me, getting more nervous by the moment.  The doctor entered the room, walked to the table and placed his hand on my head as he spoke to me.  Again, a small gesture; again, a huge impact.  He sees me as a person.  He recognizes that I'm scared.  He imparts courage to me... with the simple touch of his hand.

What a powerful lesson for me.  

"And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."  Mark 10:16

1 Down, 27 To Go!

Day 1 of Treament!  I woke up nervous, still coming to grips with the reality of what is going on in my life.  But as soon as we started treatment it felt really good to actually be doing something about "Bob" the tumor.  Yes, he has a name.  We considered other names, some of them not so pretty, but in the end just decided to go with something simple.  To all you Bobs out there, sorry, this is no reflection on you!  

I took three pills this morning after breakfast, had a radiation treatment at 2:00 and took three more pills after dinner.  This will be the plan through July 16th.  I did wear my "chemo sweat band" for style purposes (according to Ashley) and my "I am going to beat cancer" socks to radiation!  

Please pray specifically that the medication and radiation will do exactly what they are supposed to do. Pray for protection of normal healthy cells and destruction of cancer cells. Pray for minimal side effects - you know what I'm talking about! 

As you pray today, please pray for my mom.  She fell leaving Ashley's graduation and broke her arm up close to her shoulder.  Pray for healing and pain relief.  When it rains it pours...

Thank you!

"But I'm going to Africa!"

I am one of those people who like to have a schedule, like to keep a calendar, like to make lists and check things off. I can see you smiling already because you know what has happened to my plans! Obviously the past week has really blown my schedule to pieces!

The first thing I said when I was told of the tumor was, "But I'm going to Africa!"

My all important question for the surgeon yesterday was not a medical question. I asked him, "I am supposed to leave for Africa next week and be gone for a month. What do you think about that?"

Of course he smiled and said, "You need to just go ahead and cancel those plans. Let's get you well first."

I don't take kindly to having my plans messed up! In fact it made me a little angry! I was having a conversation with God about this situation the other day and it went something like this:

"I am supposed to go to Africa in June! And I'm going with the group to Costa Rica in July! And I'm going to my nephew's wedding in August! And we're moving Ashley to college soon. You can't just come in here and mess up all my plans! I mean, who do you think you are anyway? God??"

- silent pause -

"Oh, yeah, you ARE God. I guess maybe Your plans are better than my plans."

This revelation led to the exchange of my calendar and my plans for God's. I know His plans for me are perfect.

My sweet friend, Dave, wrote this recently and it stuck with me: "So many times God has denied me the desires of my heart only to provide me with the needs of my soul." And I think that's what He's doing now in my life.

We received the report of the second biopsy today. They found cancer cells. I will have the PET scan tomorrow to check the rest of the body for cancer cells. I will go see a radiologist and oncologist the end of the week.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Night watch...

4:30 a.m. Music in my head: “Yesterday, today, and forever, you are the same, you never change. Yesterday, today, and forever, you are faithful and I will trust in you!” (Sung in Robin’s voice, of course!)


I keep waking up early in the mornings. I decide to use this time to pray for my cancer partners – Mary, Bruce, John, Kevin, and Roosevelt. God please bring miraculous healing to their bodies. Please meet their physical needs today as they endure medical tests and procedures, receive radiation, chemotherapy, and recover from surgery. Please strengthen their immune systems; please give them your wisdom as they make decisions about their doctors and treatment. Please help them choose to trust you today. Please meet the needs of their family members and those who love them. Please give them your supernatural peace and strength., and courage for whatever the day holds. Help them to recognize your presence today, and to hear your voice. Wrap them up in your arms. Teach them, grow them, make them, stretch them, use them. Glorify yourself in each of these sweet friends, so that they, in turn, may glorify you. God heal them.

Note to Self...

MONDAY, JUNE 1, 2009

It feels like there are two of me – the “Normal Laura” that performs the everyday tasks of life, and the “Cancer Patient Laura” who is consumed by doctor appointments, medical procedures, phone calls, waiting, and fear.

Monday morning I go into “Cancer Patient Laura” mode. Fear is a constant companion. It permeates everything, just under the surface. Fear of the unknown. Fear for my children. Fear of the future. Fear that I won’t be able to handle what comes my way. But then I remember that faith is not the absence of fear, faith is choosing to trust God in spite of the fear I feel. That’s it – Faith is a choice.

How many times have I taught that lesson? Faith is a choice. Choose faith today, Laura. I look back at all the Ladies Bible studies I’ve taught just this year. Every one was centered on the fact that we have to choose. God gave those lessons for ME!

May 14, 2009 Women of COF – These are some of the verses that I shared:

“Pour out your heart to God, for He is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8

“’In my distress, I said, God cannot see me!’ But You heard my prayer when I cried out to You for help.” Psalm 31:22

“…We saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good for then we put everything into the hands of God, who alone could save us, for He can even raise the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.” 2 Corinthians 4:16


Today we visited the colorectal surgeon. Wow, was that fun! He took another biopsy of the tumor, and sent me downtown to have another ultrasound of the tumor.


Note to self: Always bring an extra pair of pants when you are going to visit the colorectal surgeon…just in case!


Unfortunately, the news was not very encouraging. The second ultrasound seems to show that three lymph nodes are involved and that one piece of the tumor has already broken through the wall and grown into the fat tissue surrounding the rectum. If the biopsy shows cancer cells, then we are looking at chemo and radiation in the near future, and surgery within the next three months. If they don’t find any cancer cells then it will be a very unusual tumor and they will take out larger sections of the tumor to be able to study it more. I have a PET scan scheduled for 1:00 Wednesday to check the whole body for cancer cells.


Please keep praying for a miracle! Thank you to all of you who have left encouraging notes. You are holding me up!


This is one of my favorite quotes by Mark Buchanan, “Faith is finally this: resting so utterly in the character of God - in the ultimate goodness of God - that you trust him even when he seems untrustworthy."


“…not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.”


Love you all!

Blame it on the Cat

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Mark did a great job tonight sharing with COF all that is going on.  I didn’t even really cry, just shook the whole time. Donald picked awesome praise music for me.  Mom, Dad, and Cary were there.  They told me that when Mark started reading my journal that Daddy laid his head on Momma’s shoulder weeping.  I’m glad I didn’t see that, it would have been the end for me.  Momma is strong…

I dropped a bowl with cat food in it tonight and I lost it – I’m mad at the pets, as if they’ve done something wrong…. I don’t want to be this person!  I don’t want to be the person with cancer.  I don’t want my plans to be messed up.  Everything was going so well…Mark and I just spent the last week talking about our life and how everything was getting ready to change.  We will have an empty nest.  We were making plans for next steps at COF and our work around the world.  Everything is on hold now and I’m angry at the cat.

My prayer for my life, my family’s life, and for COF at the beginning of the year was that we would all say, “I am yours, body and soul.”  Like Mary, Jesus’ mother, said.  I’ve been praying that for months.  I even warned the women at the Ladies Christmas Dinner that I was praying it for them and to expect God to be working.  Little did I know it would be my own life where I would see my faith challenged and stretched.  You must have been smiling as I prayed, God, you knew. 

Some sweet anonymous person bought our dinner at Chili’s tonight and left a note for me:    “’Do not fear for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. ‘ Isaiah 43:1b  This verse helps me.  Love & God bless.”   We have the most amazing people in our church!  

Medical Whirlwind

Woke up today with the lyrics "My God is Faithful" running through my head.  They stayed there all day long...

I have an appointment to get my hair done today and I wonder, will I have hair when it's time to go back to see Patricia in a couple of months?  And how do I tell her?  How do I tell anyone?  

The tears come again...Oh God, please help me to trust you.  I can see I need to invest in waterproof mascara!  

Well, the past three days have been a whirlwind of tests, medical information, advice, and opinions!  I'm not sure the reality of what is happening has even really hit us yet. 

After the colonoscopy, biopsy, and CT scan on Wednesday, I had an endoscopic ultrasound done on Thursday.  The ultrasound showed that although the tumor has grown into the wall of the rectum it has not gone all the way through which is good news.  There appeared to be one lymph node located within the rectal wall that is inflamed.  The biopsy report did not show any cancer cells on the surface of the tumor, however we don't know yet if there are any cancer cells deeper within the tumor.

We have talked to friends who are doctors, family members who are doctors, friends of family members who are doctors, and family members of friends who are doctors!!  LOL!  We have received all kinds of opinions, some of it conflicting.  So, as it stands now, I have a mystery colorectal tumor.  We are still in the diagnostic phase of this adventure, and hope to find out more next week.

I have an appointment Monday morning at 8:30 with a colorectal surgeon who is supposed to be the "best in the city".  He is planning to do a deeper biopsy (doesn't that sound fun?!), probably another ultrasound, and a Pet Scan to check the whole body for cancer cells.  We will continue to take this one day at a time, one test at a time.

I love you all and appreciate so much your prayers, your emails, and your expressions of love toward us.  We are depending on you!!  Please pray for us this weekend as Mark shares with COF what is going on.  I expect it to be a pretty emotional and difficult weekend.

We'll keep you posted!

Life Interrupted

“’Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

Isaiah 54:10

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

This is the day I learn I have cancer.  Weird.  I never thought I’d hear those words.  Especially not today.  The doctor just comes in, I am still drowsy from anesthesia, and she says, “Well, we thought it was hemorrhoids, but it’s not.  It’s a tumor.  It’s cancer.”  Just like that.  Now I am a person with cancer. 

The strangest part is the peace that I feel.  I have known it was coming.  God has been preparing me, showing me, speaking to me… 

March, 2009, I start bleeding.  It’s never happened before in my life.  I assume it’s hemorrhoids, wait for it to go away.  But something just doesn’t feel right.  And it doesn’t go away. I had the breast biopsy in April and that freaked me out.  Made me start to think about things.  I watch Dr. Oz on Oprah, his last time to be on Oprah, and they bring out all these people who say he has saved their life.  One lady said she went to get a colonoscopy because Dr. Oz told her to.  She had cancer.  No symptoms.  Dr. Oz saved her life. .. I keep seeing advertisements for Farrah Fawcett’s documentary about her cancer journey… a church member suddenly has colon cancer and it has spread to his lymph nodes, just like that, suddenly…I start waking up in the nights with praise music playing in my head., lyrics about God being in control, about his answering when I call out in the night. ..over and over again.  I begin to wonder what God is telling me,  feeling like He is preparing me…I hope he has prepared my family…

So, I decide to see a doctor.  It’s probably hemorrhoids, but better to die of embarrassment than to die of cancer.  The first doctor I call can’t see me until July.  I am stressing over choosing a doctor.  So I call one I found on the internet because I like how their webpage looks – funny world we live in, isn’t it?  They could see me the next week, on Sarah’s 21^st birthday.  It seemed like God set up that appointment for me.  The doctor tells me that at my age, 99% of the time it is internal hemorrhoids or polyps and they schedule a colonoscopy for the following week.

I debate having this procedure all week.  So much else is going on.  Ashley is getting ready to graduate.  We are getting ready to go to Africa, Turkey, Greece, and Costa Rica.  I don’t really have time to have cancer…maybe I should put it off.  Then I start doing the colon prep for the colonoscopy.  God help me…I can’t drink this stuff without gagging.  But I get it done, there is nothing left in my system. 

 We wait forever to finally have the colonoscopy, busy place!  I am sitting in a roomful of elderly people, wondering what I’m doing here.  How can this be my life?  I am never sick.  Then they roll me into the room for the procedure.  She turns on soft music – and it is Christian music.  “Our God Reigns” is playing.  This is how I fall asleep.  My God reigns.

I’m in the shower later, getting ready to go see “Fiddler on the Roof”.  This was my Christmas present to my parents.  Everyone wonders why we’re still going, but it’s better than sitting at home feeling hungry, right?  And besides, are we going to let “cancer” run our life?    The phone rings – the CT scan is clean, no spread of the tumor.  I am on the floor of the shower, face-down, crying in praise to my God who is merciful – Grateful that you hear and understand the groanings of my spirit when words won’t come.  Thank you.