That's what cancer feels like to me. This wasn't what I asked for, not something I wanted, and not what I thought I needed. I am looking for somewhere that I can "return" it. I have decided that I don't want cancer anymore. Craigslist, maybe?
I have always been fiercely independent, ever since I was two years old and told my mother, "I can do it myself!" I feel like that two year old is inside of me now, running around and screaming! I am tired of being told what I can and can't do, what I can and can't eat, what pills to take when, what time to be at what appointment, etc., etc. I am tired of something else or someone else (God?) controlling my life. I am angry.
I recognize that this is grief too. I am so glad that God can handle it, that He's not put off by my questions, by my anger, by my doubts. He promised to never leave me, and He hasn't.
I am reminded today that it is impossible to thank God and curse Him at the same time; that thankfulness will make me aware of His presence which overshadows all my problems (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young).
Lord, please help me to be thankful today. Cancer IS a gift. I have been given the chance to live what I believe.
"How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and then he saved me. Now I can rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth! ... I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord."
Psalm 116:5-9, 17
Good news: Finished week 2 of chemo and radiation with no side effects except fatigue!
Bad news: Week 3 started with diarrhea...immodium and Gatorade are my new best friends!
Good news: Immodium works!