Monday, June 22, 2009

Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

Have you ever received a gift that you didn't ask for or want?  Or maybe a gift that  you weren't sure that you needed? Or you weren't sure how to use it?  Maybe you returned it, or exchanged it, or maybe you saved it hoping that someday it would become useful to you.

That's what cancer feels like to me.  This wasn't what I asked for, not something I wanted, and not what I thought I needed.  I am looking for somewhere that I can "return" it.  I have decided that I don't want cancer anymore. Craigslist, maybe?

I have always been fiercely independent, ever since I was two years old and told my mother, "I can do it myself!"  I feel like that two year old is inside of me now, running around and screaming! I am tired of being told what I can and can't do, what I can and can't eat, what pills to take when, what time to be at what appointment, etc., etc.  I am tired of something else or someone else (God?) controlling my life.  I am angry.

I recognize that this is grief too.  I am so glad that God can handle it, that He's not put off by my questions, by my anger, by my doubts.  He promised to never leave me, and He hasn't.  

I am reminded today that it is impossible to thank God and curse Him at the same time; that thankfulness will make me aware of His presence which overshadows all my problems (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young).

Lord, please help me to be thankful today.  Cancer IS a gift.  I have been given the chance to live what I believe.  

"How kind the Lord is!  How good he is!  So merciful, this God of ours!  The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and then he saved me.  Now I can rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me.  He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.  And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth! ... I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord."  
Psalm 116:5-9, 17

Good news:  Finished week 2 of chemo and radiation with no side effects except fatigue!
Bad news:  Week 3 started with diarrhea...immodium and Gatorade are my new best friends!  
Good news:  Immodium works!


  1. I love that you are so real with us! I love seeing that you truly look to God and KNOW that HE will NOT leave your side! You just TRULY KNOW! I'm believing in John 15:5,7-8...
    "You will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you." this is part of my daily "Laura's Prayer"!!! We win! God's got this one!

  2. Laura thanks for showing that it is ok to be upset and angry and mad. Showing the love you have to. Thank you I hope you understand that your words help others that are haveing problems in there life.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I was about to cancel my colonoscopy appt. when I heard your news. I had it yesterday, and I'm happy to say that everything turned out ok. Stay strong, and we will continue to pray for you (and Mark)!
    P.S. Immodium is awesome! :)

  4. Laura I look forward to reading your blog every morning. I can feel God's love through your words and feel so much peace. We are praying for you. Have a blessed day!

  5. Laura,

    Thank you for your honesty and your humor.

    Thank you for letting us know about Bruce. I ran into him while he was heading upstairs to serve and I was at the desk. I let him know we were praying over him. While I was driving home yesterday, I was listening to AFR and the guest said, " Don't go to church, be the church." Thanks to you and Bruce for letting those around you know what is happening so that we can be the church.

    I love the story in Luke 11 where Jesus tell us to be persistent in our prayers through his story about going to a friend's home knocking for bread until it was given--not out of friendship but because of shameless persistence. And the knock over you is not just your own fist, but a symphony of them!

    May God bless you today with His comfort and mercy.


  6. Some of us, walking this earth, never get a chance to shine our light for others. You are shining bright. Your a beam right now and others are watching. Not many people want to be the light under these circumstances but, this is the task God has allowed so keep shining my friend.
    ((((( Bear Hug )))))

  7. You are such an inspiration to me, Laura. I think about you and pray for you every day. Keep that chin up. You are loved.