Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Melt Down #263

Today was not such a good day. Don't get me wrong, I am still excited to be finished with my radiation treatments this week as well as chemotherapy for now. However, the reality of all that is still to come hit hard again today.  

I wake up not feeling well - tired, limping on sore feet. I know I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. And then the weight of the reality of cancer hits again. The tears start to flow and I can't seem to turn them off. I'm exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually. I want to go back to bed and start over again tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better then.

The staff at the radiation center are amazing. And Nurse Rita always seems to know. I was walking out after my treatment today and she calls out to me, "Can I give you a hug?" She asks how I'm doing, and I start to cry. "I'm so emotional today," I tell her. "You know fatigue can do that to you." And then, as I'm leaving, she says, "We all love you." And I know that God is still here.

Later, I am taking a much needed nap and the door bell rings. It is a delivery from a sweet friend. Mark brings the bag to me and I pull out a big teddy bear - the "Prayer Bear".  The bear actually talks and one of the things it says is, "Sometimes the winds on your face are the kisses of God."  And I know that He is still here.

Thank you, God, that you always know exactly what I need and when I need it!  Thank you, Rita and Anita, for letting God use you!

"All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction... Stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is truly the Path of Life."  (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

"If I have asked you to step on and up firmly - then surely have I secured your ladder." (God Calling, edited by A.J. Russell)

"Never forget your promises to me your servant, for they are my only hope." Psalm 119:49


  1. Sweet Laura,
    Love the # of meltdowns... it so happens! And it is so hard. God's mercies are new each morning! Go back to bed if you need to. I have so struggled with the overwhelming fatigue. Thank you for being so transparent. God is being so glorified in your life and ministry. One more day, my sister!!! We can do it!!! Love you!

  2. Remember that we are 'more than conquerors'!
    Ups and downs, good days, bad've made it to the end of the six weeks which in the beginning I am sure seemed like an eternity away. As you traveled this path, I have been praying for you and reading your blog. You are such an inspiration and a delight. We are so blessed to have you and Mark to led us on our spiritual journey at COF. Hugs, Jeanne (Walker)

  3. Laura, you may not remember me, but when we were trying to bring home our children from China and from Congo, I know you were praying for us. Please take a peek at their pictures at
    They always make me laugh and it sounds like you could use all the laughs you can get!
    And know that we are praying for you, too!!!

  4. :( I'm just speechless sad for what your enduring. Keep kicking this stuff out of your way. God has you.

  5. My heart is breaking for you and I have been praying the Word of God over you, dearest Laura. Today for YOU from YOUR Very Own Heavenly Father, Who is (present tense) Holding your hand. -- Fr Ps 27: 1 YOU, LORD -ARE- Laura's Light and her Salvation--and are helping her to ot fear or dread. You, Alone, Lord -ARE- the Refuge and Stronghold of Laura's life--may she not be afraid.
    2When the wicked, even her enemies and her foes (trials & sicknesses of THIS world), come upon her to eat up her flesh, thank You Father for making them to stumble and fall. 3Though a host encamp against Laura, thank You Father that her heart shall not fear;(for at what time she is afraid, she WILL Trust in Thee) - though war arise against her, [even then] in this will Laura be confident. 4One thing has Laura asked of You Lord, & that - she seeks, inquires for, and [insistently] requires: that she may dwell in Your House, (in Your Presence) all the days of her life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty [the sweet attractiveness and the delightful loveliness] of You, her Holy Omnipresent Father; and to meditate, consider, and inquire in Your Presence.
    5For in these days of trouble YOU ARE HIDING Laura (Present Tense) in Your shelter; in the secret place of Your tabernacle You hide her;
    Thank You for setting Laura upon a ROCK (YOURSELF)... (That Secure, Safe Place of Rest, Comfort, & Hope) 6And NOW Laura's head IS lifted up above her enemies round about her;---- in Your tabernacle (which is her very own little body, where YOU Dwell) she offers sacrifices .... she will sing, yes, she will sing praises to You, Most High. Thank You, O Lord, when Laura cries; YOU have mercy and ARE gracious to her and answer her!
    8You have said, Laura, Seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your vital need]. Laura's heart says to You, Your face (Your presence), Lord, I seek, inquire for, and require [of necessity and on the authority of Your Word].
    9Thank You Holy Father that You do not hide Your face from Laura; .....You Who have been & continue to be Laura's help! ..You will NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE HER, O GOD OF LAURA'S SALVATION, & DELIVERENCE! Even, if her father & mother forsook her, yet YOU - Laura's God, take her up.
    Thank You for teaching Laura Your Ways O Lord, and leading her DAILY in a plain and even path because of her enemies.
    12Thank You for not giving her up to the will of her adversaries..
    13 What would have become of Laura had she not believed that she would see Your goodness in the land of the living!
    14Laura is Waiting, and her hope and expectation is in You O Lord;
    Thank You for helping her to be brave and of good courage and giving her the heart to be stout and enduring.
    Yes, she waits for, and hopes for, and expects from You, her King & her God!" amen & amen
    I love you, Laura, and hope to meet you soon. You have been "continually" in my prayers since you began this journey. I will write you more tomorrow. i was diagnosed with breast cancer last May. I am Marcus Acker's mother. He plays guitar w/Donald & the worship team at COF. I continue to pray the WORDS of The Living God over you! HE IS HOLDING YOUR HAND. God bless you , darling one. Charity Acker.

  6. My dear friend,
    In the midst of your melt down you are still an inspriration. All those who love you are with you on that radiation table today and He is holding your hand. Do a victory dance on your way out of the office, you have won this part of the battle!

  7. Dear Laura,
    I read your blog almost everyday. My heart is always touched by your love and commitment to honoring our wonderful GOD! Today I was especially touched by how you felt - almost "wasted" due to all that you have gone through for the past several weeks. All I can tell you is you are greatly loved by so many - especially by our FATHER!! I don't know you and Mark as well as so many others do, but I love you both and pray for you several times each day.

    You are going to get through all of this and will know and love HIM better and more deeply because of this - I know because I have had cancer twice and HE was and is always there to provide everything that is needed to take one step at a time with HIM. (Isa 41:10) HE loves you more than you can imagine!!

    May He bless you with strength, rest, peace of heart, mind and soul and a special awareness of HIS presence!!

    Always in prayer for you!!!
    jim harrell,

  8. Still praying Laura! I would like to add Danny Rodriguez in prayers. He and his wife attend COF and they have been our best friends since High School. Danny is being sent to MD Anderson for a knot in his arm that they believe may very well be cancer. I need to know how to be a good friend to my dear friends. You have already shown me through reading your blog many ways to be just that. Thank you Laura! I think of you daily and pray for you continually! God Bless You!