Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dunked again!

We met with the surgeon yesterday and now I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, again. I thought the meeting would make me feel good. We could get the surgery on the calendar (August 25th), start making plans, etc. And there is some of that. I now know that I can take Ashley to college in August and I can go to my nephew’s wedding. I’m thankful for those things. But just talking about the next steps and beyond, the length of time this is really going to endure, has shaken me up just a little. OK, maybe a lot.


The doctor talked about the surgery and what part of the colon will be removed. It is a much larger portion than I anticipated. He also talked about the fact that a large number of lymph nodes are in this area, which is very close to my tumor, which freaked me out to know. The tumor is still there! Sitting by those lymph nodes. Is it spreading? He talked about the fact that he will create an temporary ileostomy for me. I totally understand and agree with the need to have it done, but it still is the source of so many questions and anxiety about the future. He also spoke of the probable need to have chemotherapy after surgery, for up to four months!! I knew this would most likely be something I would have to do, but I wasn’t prepared for four months. Of course, they won’t know that for sure until after the surgery and the pathology report comes back


I couldn’t sleep last night. Just like when they first diagnosed the cancer. I woke up at 4:00 am after a terrible few hours of restless sleep and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to use that time to pray for so many others who are walking this same road, feeling these same things, like they’ve been hit by a truck. I woke up exhausted later. My body doesn’t want to move. I feel like weighted rubber. So, mentally, I am trying to readjust. All along I have been telling myself that one year out of my life is really nothing in the whole scheme of things. Lord, Help me to remember that! 


I remember as a kid I would go swimming with my friends and we would always end up in “dunk fights” where we would try to dunk each other under the water. And then as soon as someone came up for air they would be dunked again. Over and over. That’s what this feels like. I was just coming up for air and I got pushed back under. 


Lord, please give me strength for today. Give me wisdom to rest. Please heal my body and prepare it for surgery. Please ease my mind and all the spinning thoughts. Help me to walk with You today and not worry about tomorrow. Thank you!


Song in my head today: "Let my life be the proof of the hope found in You." Thanks Donald and Amos!

“So don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34


  1. Laura,

    I don't know if there are any words to help the way you feel. I have started typing and erased several times already feeling what I was saying was just not the right thing to say. So I decided to be honest and just say I don't know what to say except I'm thinking of you, I'm here for you if you need anything, and I'm praying for you everyday! Your COF family loves you and God does too!

  2. Laura,
    I know of what you're saying because I've heard my sweet Debbie say the same thing. It seems our emotional lungs are screaming for air and all they get is another mouthful of water. You are giving words to the very things Debbie has experienced for so long now.

    You have a special call with this as does Debbie and I am in awe of the trust that God has given in each of you by this.

    As I said, you can do this because He can do this. My heart breaks for you both.


  3. Hi Laura,

    You don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog a couple of weeks ago and have been in awe of the way you're able to recognize God in your situation and give it all to him.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. It's a lot to take in and I'm praying you'll be able to rest in God.
    "The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath are the everlasting arms"
    Deut 33:27

    And Deut 33:25 "As thy days, so shall thy strength be" or "Your strength will equal your days". That's Gods promise, strength for every day.

    Praying for you,
    P.s. My dad had a temporary ileostomy for a while and I just wanted to encourage you that it's pretty manageable.

  4. Hi Laura...My heart is hurting for you, thinking of you and praying for you daily....with much love!
    Vickie D

  5. Laura, I have a really stupid question.
    After the chemotherapy, did they do an MRI or something ...of course they probably did but, I just want to know how they know the tumor is still there? Did they see it? Is it smaller? ... did the chemo only effect the area in a sense that it was to keep it from spreading and surgery is the actual part that removes the tumor? And why then don't they do surgery lets say the day after chemo done to get rid of everything rather than run the risk of it spreading or am I just not understanding chemo at all? The point was to radiate the area right? I know you will still have effects of if or up to a month but does that mean those after effects are lingering and working so thats why they wait for surgery or does it just mean your body will still react... because otherwise, if the tumor is there and you have lymph nodes around it then it makes sense to me that then surgery would occur immediately within days... and once again, maybe its not even there... I believe in miracles.

  6. We understand.....

    Loving you,
    Rebecca Patterson

  7. Lord, fill Laura today with Your joy and peace. Give her the strength she needs to face what is to come. Help her to keep her eyes on You and to not be afraid. Remind her that You are always with her, You hold her in the palm of Your hand. Amen.

  8. Laura, I would be honored to take you to Chemo. I sat with my godchild at Chemo. She is finished and has already had surgery and awaiting the PET scann before ringing the bell.

    Take the Iphone!! Of course they have TV. There are some really loving people there. All need God's word. This is not just a polite offer. I mean it!!! My time is yours, if you will let me.
    I love you, I pray for you.
    Marilyn Lewis

  9. {{HUGS}}

    I don't know of anything else I could say or do right now. Just know you are in our prayers. And you're right. What's a year out of the rest of your life?

    Love you!

    -Kristy & TJ

  10. HIS HAND..& your hand...
    Ps. 37
    The Lord delights in Laura's ways, He is making her steps firm;
    Though Laura stumble, she will Not Fall, for THE LORD UPHOLDS LAURA WITH HIS "HAND".
    Therefore, ,,,... your body will rest secure.
    So, Laura, when you are feeling alone, confused or frightened, move your hand and Know HE IS engulfing you & holding tightly to "your" hand, and will NEVER LET "YOU" GO!! amen & amen.
    We love you and continue believing God for you, Marcus' mom.

  11. Oh my dear friend,
    I so understand everything you are feeling. I am here for you day or night,really.... 2am, 4am when ever the feelings start to overwhelm. Keep walking forward and just keep breathing. Get through the next second, then the next minute and the minutes will turn into hours, the hours into days and the days into months and then before you know it your treatment is done and you are CURED. You CAN do this! God is going to CARRY you!!!!
    Love you my friend,

  12. Laura, well, God's busy (of course) ..waking up his children to PRAY! I live in Raleigh and about 3 a.m. I woke up with YOU on my mind (and heart). I know you are a strong woman and this is a 'time' for you to be that beacon to sooo sooo many. He won't waste a moment of this time. I have had a colon resection .. it 're-connects' just like before and I know you are going to be FINE.
    Better than fine! Keep holding to his presence and peace .. you have it in all those moments. Blogs are great! HE IS GREATER! Bless you sister. Jean in NC

  13. Laura,
    After I read your post today (as I do every day), I went and looked on my "The Purpose Driven Life" calendar and it said:
    OUR HOPE in difficult times is not based on positive thinking, wishful thinking, or natural optimism. It is a certainty based on the truths that God is in complete control of our universe and He loves us.
    Then it gave this scripture:
    Your trust can be in God who raised from the dead and gave Him great glory. Now your faith and hope can rest in Him alone.
    1Peter 1:21 TLB
    I read your blog EVERY day and look soooo forward to reading all you say and go through. YOU, Laura are a inspiration to us ALL.
    PLEASE never forget the Lord is with you ALWAYS. Whatever you have to go through next in your cancer treatment He will be there beside you.
    Get some rest and be thankful you can see your daughter off to college and go to your nephew's wedding, one day at a time as you know I try to live and if that don't work, try one minute at a time.
    Love to you always, XOXO