We met with the surgeon yesterday and now I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, again. I thought the meeting would make me feel good. We could get the surgery on the calendar (August 25th), start making plans, etc. And there is some of that. I now know that I can take Ashley to college in August and I can go to my nephew’s wedding. I’m thankful for those things. But just talking about the next steps and beyond, the length of time this is really going to endure, has shaken me up just a little. OK, maybe a lot.
The doctor talked about the surgery and what part of the colon will be removed. It is a much larger portion than I anticipated. He also talked about the fact that a large number of lymph nodes are in this area, which is very close to my tumor, which freaked me out to know. The tumor is still there! Sitting by those lymph nodes. Is it spreading? He talked about the fact that he will create an temporary ileostomy for me. I totally understand and agree with the need to have it done, but it still is the source of so many questions and anxiety about the future. He also spoke of the probable need to have chemotherapy after surgery, for up to four months!! I knew this would most likely be something I would have to do, but I wasn’t prepared for four months. Of course, they won’t know that for sure until after the surgery and the pathology report comes back
I couldn’t sleep last night. Just like when they first diagnosed the cancer. I woke up at 4:00 am after a terrible few hours of restless sleep and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to use that time to pray for so many others who are walking this same road, feeling these same things, like they’ve been hit by a truck. I woke up exhausted later. My body doesn’t want to move. I feel like weighted rubber. So, mentally, I am trying to readjust. All along I have been telling myself that one year out of my life is really nothing in the whole scheme of things. Lord, Help me to remember that!
I remember as a kid I would go swimming with my friends and we would always end up in “dunk fights” where we would try to dunk each other under the water. And then as soon as someone came up for air they would be dunked again. Over and over. That’s what this feels like. I was just coming up for air and I got pushed back under.
Lord, please give me strength for today. Give me wisdom to rest. Please heal my body and prepare it for surgery. Please ease my mind and all the spinning thoughts. Help me to walk with You today and not worry about tomorrow. Thank you!
Song in my head today: "Let my life be the proof of the hope found in You." Thanks Donald and Amos!
“So don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34