Waves of Grief

grief [griːf]noun
deep or intense sorrow or distress
something that causes keen distress or suffering
something that causes great unhappiness
deep mental anguish


In the early days of my diagnosis I experienced a lot of vivid dreams in which I was grieving. These dreams have returned this week.

I had a hard time falling asleep the other night. I used that time to pray for all those I know who are also struggling with cancer. I finally fell asleep, only to wake myself up sobbing a couple of hours later.

I had been dreaming of a big party at our house. All of our friends were there. In my dream I had a collection of porcelain figurines and someone accidentally knocked them to the floor shattering them all. When I looked down at the floor, each piece of shattered porcelain had the face of someone I know who is fighting cancer, or has fought cancer. In my dream I began to cry uncontrollably, feeling such grief for these special friends. My grief woke me up and I found that I was sobbing in my bed, giant tears falling on my pillow, anguished for so many special people who are struggling against this nightmare disease. I finally realized that I had been dreaming and I was able to calm myself down.

Grief comes in waves. It comes unexpectedly. It comes at weird times. It even comes in dreams. It has been a constant companion all these months. But in the midst of the tears I have known the comfort only a father can give. The comfort of my heavenly father - protecting me, providing for me, flooding me with strength, peace, freedom, and hope. Thank you, God, for drying my tears in the night.