Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Melt Down

Today we had scheduled a meeting with some of the top staff leadership at Community of Faith. The plan was to pray and discuss our dreams and plans for COF for 2010 and beyond. I normally don't get out and do much of anything the week after my chemo treatments until the following weekend, saving up all my energy so that I can go to church that weekend. But today I really wanted to be a part of this meeting. I thought that if I could just get dressed and get there then I would be sitting most of the day. I should
 be able to do that, right?

Wrong. Most of the morning went well. I was so happy to actually be sitting in a room with some of my favorite people, praying together, sharing together what God has been teaching each of us, and seeking God's direction for our church. But then it hit me. We were walking to the building where they had our lunch prepared when my constant enemy - fatigue - took over. Ignoring the truth, I decided that I just needed to eat and then I would feel better. Of course what I really needed was to go home and keep resting.

Finally I realized that I had overdone things and headed out to the car. Before I was anywhere near the car I was short of breath, I could barely carry my purse (that, of course, may be due to other issues!), and I was hurting all over. I was completely exhausted. This is where melt down #545 began. 

The tears started and they didn't stop all the way home. I was so frustrated and angry. I don't want to be this person. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired! It feels endless, even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want my life back!! God, do you hear me? I don't want to do this anymore!

I arrived home, drug myself into the house and collapsed in tears. My sweet Sarah was there; we sat on the couch and cried and prayed together. Gradually the melt down ran its course, and I remembered that God is here, he knows and understands, he will walk with me all the way, even when I have no strength and can't do the things I want to do. His way is better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 
plans to give you hope and a future."  
Jeremiah 29:11


  1. I'm so sorry you had a tough day! Hang in there - we love you!


  2. Sorry your day was so rough :(. Glad Sarah was there to comfort you! She is a good one for that and takes care of me long distance during my various meltdowns as well.

    Keep doing your boring resting - you are REALLY almost done :)!

  3. Sweet Laura....I know u are so tired of being tired....But just keep focusing on God as you have been doing and it will all be over soon. Praying for you to rest even when you may not want to! U are so very close to finishing this race victorious!!! "Be still and know that I am GOD" Love u!

  4. Hi Sweet Laura,

    Oh, your post breaks my heart!! I wish I could hug you and tell you it will all be o.k. I can't imagine how hard it is to want to be able to do things and not have your body cooperate!!!! I DO know that God is there with you every step of the way. I also know that the "meltdowns" help you let out those feels of grief and pain. are grieving what you had, but with the grace of will have it AGAIN!! SOON!!!!! ONLY 2 more treatments to go, right!?!

    My heart goes out to you and I will be praying!!!

    Christ is my Rock...I will not be shaken by disappointment or grief, anger or sorrow. Here are the words penned by Edward Mote:
    My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness,
    I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.
    When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace.
    In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
    His oath, His covenant, His blood, support me in the whelming flood.
    When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.
    When He shall come with trumpet sound, oh my I then in Him be found.
    Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne.
    In Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand!

    Love ya!!
    C.O.L.E.'s Foundation
    (Caring Openly, Loving Eternally)
    24/7 Prayer Line 888-365-COLE (2653)

    Sandy Daron

  5. I too am so sorry you had a rough day. I can only imagine what that must feel like. You are so courageous with your honesty. I really admire that. Thank you for sharing your joys and your struggles. We all love you and will continue the prayers! Praying for your platelet count!!!!!!!

  6. Sorry for your very hard day, Laura, and thankful that you are honest enough to share it. I can't compare to your situation; I can't even imagine, but I have had many a meltdown day for my own reasons. That much I do understand! Praying for you always, and so happy you are nearing the end of your treatments.

  7. You are my sweet friend..I should have given you a piggy back ride to the car! What was I thinking!!! :)
    Love you!

  8. I'm reading backwards because I was gone but so I went from laughing over the possibility to a blown out bag over gas to crying.
    I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. I'm so sorry. I just keep saying its almost is almost completed and 2010 will be wonderful and glorious and fantastic!!!!!