The past six weeks since my last chemo treatment have been interesting for me. With the end of treatment and the good report from my PET scan everyone is very happy for me and excited to see how God has answered so many prayers. Lots of smiles, lots of hugs, lots of celebrating.
And then there's me... somehow I'm just not quite able to completely celebrate. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for what God has done. But it is hard for my brain to wrap around the idea that this ordeal is really over. Ninety-nine percent of my brain is celebrating, but that nagging one percent keeps flashing "warning" signs. Don't get too happy. Don't celebrate too much, it could come back. You won't be considered "healed" until you've had five years of clear PET scans.
These thoughts stop me in my tracks. What do I do now? How to I move forward? How do I go on with my life without living in fear? And what exactly should my next steps be? Part of me thinks I should spend the next period of time getting ready - just in case - cleaning out the closets, getting rid of the clutter, organizing paperwork. The one percent tells me that I better get things in place while I'm healthy and feeling strong. Just in case. But the ninety-nine percent screams, "I don't want to live like that! I don't want to live in fear." How do I put those two thoughts together? How do I prudently get ready, just in case, while at the same time moving forward with faith and trust?
Those have been my thoughts over these weeks, and my prayers. God, please show me how to move forward without fear. Show me what to do now.
Then, over the last few days, God begins to answer my prayer. I read the same thing in several different places (that's always a sign to me that God wants me to hear something!): "Keep on." "Champions don't quit." "Keep on." It's that simple. If I want to move forward without fear, I just keep on.
"Study my words and carry them out unflinchingly, unflinchingly." (God Calling)
"Jesus told the people who had faith in Him, 'If you keep on obeying what I have said, you truly are my disciples. You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.' " John 8:31-32
That's it. Continue to walk in obedience. Studying His words, putting them into practice in my life. That's the secret to moving forward and living without fear.