The past six weeks since my last chemo treatment have been interesting for me. With the end of treatment and the good report from my PET scan everyone is very happy for me and excited to see how God has answered so many prayers. Lots of smiles, lots of hugs, lots of celebrating.
And then there's me... somehow I'm just not quite able to completely celebrate. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for what God has done. But it is hard for my brain to wrap around the idea that this ordeal is really over. Ninety-nine percent of my brain is celebrating, but that nagging one percent keeps flashing "warning" signs. Don't get too happy. Don't celebrate too much, it could come back. You won't be considered "healed" until you've had five years of clear PET scans.
These thoughts stop me in my tracks. What do I do now? How to I move forward? How do I go on with my life without living in fear? And what exactly should my next steps be? Part of me thinks I should spend the next period of time getting ready - just in case - cleaning out the closets, getting rid of the clutter, organizing paperwork. The one percent tells me that I better get things in place while I'm healthy and feeling strong. Just in case. But the ninety-nine percent screams, "I don't want to live like that! I don't want to live in fear." How do I put those two thoughts together? How do I prudently get ready, just in case, while at the same time moving forward with faith and trust?
Those have been my thoughts over these weeks, and my prayers. God, please show me how to move forward without fear. Show me what to do now.
Then, over the last few days, God begins to answer my prayer. I read the same thing in several different places (that's always a sign to me that God wants me to hear something!): "Keep on." "Champions don't quit." "Keep on." It's that simple. If I want to move forward without fear, I just keep on.
"Study my words and carry them out unflinchingly, unflinchingly." (God Calling)
"Jesus told the people who had faith in Him, 'If you keep on obeying what I have said, you truly are my disciples. You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.' " John 8:31-32
Laura, just read your blog for today and feel we need to respond. We have neither one of us ever been in your situation, however wanted to say that none of us is promised tomorrow whatever our situation / health is. But we all tend to look too far ahead! We are after all human. for a long time every time I open Gods Word it seems as though He is saying to me " Endure" or "Overcome". I know that must be hard when you have dealt with the last year or so, however I see a lady who is leaning on the Lord in all she says and does, who has been such an amazing encouragement to all around her!
ReplyDeleteSo in turn we'd like to encourage you for a change! yes, Laura one day at a time is all we are asked to do healthy or not, so "endure" and "overcome" whatever God has for you. We are not promised a "walk in the park" but to trust Our Lord in all things.
Give that one percent to Him laura, we are asked to surrender all to Him on a daily basis, hard to do at times but for sure worth the effort!
See Ians' blog for today, we had an amazing day with 8 year old grand-daughter being baptised! What an amazing morning it was, but guess who was attacked the last week, no not Camryn , but our son and Ian and I!!! guess the old rotter doesn't even like children to give their hearts to the Lord!
keep smiling! our prayers are with you.
Elaine and Ian.
I love you and still praying for you!
ReplyDelete"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on You!" Isaiah 26:3
Hey Laura,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing so honestly and being vulnerable.
Sarah
Those naughty little 'what ifs'.... they don't have a right to stop us in our tracks but they do. Sometimes I ponder on the 'what ifs' for long times.... but thats all they are...what if...
ReplyDeleteyou have lots of valid what ifs.... heck, I go ahead and 'get ready' just in case one of my 'what ifs' come true'... why not??? :)
I always got a kick out of my grandma Dovie...she always had her cabinets all cleaned out all the time...so perfect... just in case she died. LOL... not that its funny like that but, I mean, we are all going to die so, why not.
But I know what you mean, you don't want to live your life worrying about it but the truth is that God knows your personality, your fears, your thoughts, your concerns so just bundle them up and ask Him to free you up from unwanted what ifs. I pray that you will be given that abundance of 'knowing' that allows you to never look back ever. Your done. Its over, you can move on. I know God will show that to you and when He does you won't ever have those what ifs.