Frustration

Just another frustrating day! My blood count was even lower today than last week, so no treatment again! This is not unheard of, but the doctor had expected that it would bounce back up more quickly since I am young. Apparently the chemo and radiation that I had back in June and July had a big impact on my bone marrow's ability to produce new blood cells. So, we are WAITING again! I will see the doctor next Monday and we will check the blood counts again. He is hoping that I will be able to receive my chemo treatment then. But if the numbers haven't increased then he will give me a series of daily shots that will help boost production and then they will be able to give me the treatment. Then each treatment will be followed with the Neulasta injection that will help keep my blood cell production where it needs to be between treatments. At least that's my understanding of the plans.


The nurse said today that it is completely out of our control. My body will eventually replace the blood cells, we just have to wait. When she said those words, "it is completely out of our control," I just had to laugh. If I've learned one thing through this whole experience, that's it! No truer words have been spoken!


Between now and next Monday I will have to continue to protect myself from exposure to infections since my body has very little resources to defend itself right now.  More couch time for me! I heard a TV character say this today, "Great. Another exciting adventure in sitting." and that's exactly how I feel!


Mark and I came home very frustrated and disappointed. It is hard to get emotionally geared up to go have chemotherapy and then not actually receive it! We came home, cried, fussed at each other because we were frustrated, and then collapsed in exhaustion! It's amazing what a good nap can do for the spirit!


I talked to my oncologist this afternoon and in his cute peruvian accent he said to me, "Don't worry. You are going to be fine. You are OK. Don't worry. Don't worry." So I am choosing not to worry.


I read these words the other day in "Jesus Calling" and they have stuck with me:


"Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them... When you project yourself into the future rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin - so common that it usually slips by unnoticed." - Sarah Young


Lord, please help me not to be self-sufficient but to recognize that everything I need is found in you. And with that recognition, help me to wait for you and rely on you today.

"I pray to God—my life a prayer— and wait for what he'll say and do. My life's on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning." Psalm 130:5-6


"The LORD favors those who fear Him, those who wait for His lovingkindness." Psalm 147:11