Friday, October 23, 2009

Pity Party

Thursday. Mark is at the gym. I am resting. Diarrhea and nausea are under control. I am trying to eat, but nothing sounds good or tastes right. My body still aches, even with Motrin, but it seems to be decreasing. I feel very weak and tired. I can fall asleep any time I close my eyes. 

Without thinking, I put a piece of ice in my mouth - it feels like fire, and I spit it out across the kitchen! So many side effects, so many things to remember when I can barely remember my name anymore...

The tears come. I don't feel like I can do this. I'm not strong enough. What if it comes back? I'll never survive that... Dear Jesus, it's just you and me. And I cant do it, so it's really just You. I need you today. 

I know in my mind that it is expected that I will still feel badly for a couple of days after the pump is disconnected as my body is processing and getting rid of the chemicals, but somehow I keep hoping that each new day I will suddenly not feel sick...I guess I set myself up for this...

Friday morning. I slept great. I am laying in bed. I feel good. I don't want to move. I don't want this good feeling to be replaced by something else. Maybe if I just stay in bed all day, just skip Friday, and get up on Saturday...

The tears come again. A full-blown pity party! Lord, please help me to get my eyes on You. I know you are here. 

Geoff Moore's song, He Knows My Name, comes on the radio:

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He’ll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I know you are here! Thank you for never leaving. Thank you for carrying me today.

"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:7

"You are building up an unshakable faith. Be furnishing the quiet places of your soul now. Fill them with all that is harmonious and good, beautiful, and enduring. Home-build in the Spirit now, and the waiting time will be well spent." - God Calling


  1. Hi Laura: Can't imagine what you're going through. Everyone wants to feel good! I am convinced that your treatment will be 100% successful in preventing this cancer from ever visiting again. My Mom has been healthy for 10 years after Stage 3 colon cancer. It has never returned.

    When I was pregnant with my second and last child, I got through all the morning sickness and stuff by telling myself, "This is the last time I'm going to have to go through all this." That's how I feel about this for you, but instead of giving birth to a child, you're giving birth to a 100% cancer-free healthy body. The reward will be great and you will have defeated the enemy like a valiant warrior.

    God Bless,

    Lynne Piper

  2. Laura, so often when we have a pity party we are the only ones that attend. I just want you to know, that if I were in Houston...I would come to your party!!!! And...if you are throwing this pity party in cyberspace..I am SOOOOO at the party!!!
    I am praying for you daily...You ARE going to make ARE going to be totally "normal" ARE an ARE a cancer survivor....

    Love you my friend!

  3. We are praying! We understand!

    In Him,
    Rebecca and Jim

  4. I agree with Debbie, I am at your pity party too! I am here and this brings me to tears so I will go now and pray for you in my tears.
    The cancer won't come back. Its gone and if there is even trace of a remnant of a speck of it it is getting destroyed. Gone. You can do this Laura. You can do it you can do it you can do it!
    Rest though...just rest away this time. Let your body save every bit of ounce of strength. Don't spend it on anything right now. Save it up. There will be plenty of time to do things...right now, just rest.

  5. My dear friend,
    Here's another Debbie that will be at your pity party. I second EVERYTHING the first Debbie said!!! The only thing I will change is that you will never be "normal" again, you will be a new normal and better than before. Believe me when I say there really will be a day when "cancer" won't be a part of your day, in fact I am starting to have days when I don't think about it at all. Keep leaning on Jesus cause you are right you can't do this, but He can. Two more things...remember what I's called Chemosobby somedays, just let the tears flow Close those eyes and REST your body is battling fiercely on the inside.
    Hugs and prayers,

  6. Dear are going to have one HUGE party, because we are ALL there with you in spirit and in love!!! Thinking of you and praying for you!! I love the story that Mark (maybe it was Lance) told at church a couple of weeks ago where the father comes out of the stands and puts his arm around his son and helps him across the finish line....God has his arm around you Laura and you will make it victorious and CANCER FREE FOREVER!!! Much love!!
    Vickie D