Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Waiting, again.

My emotions continue to be a little unstable. I don't know if it is due to the physical trauma my body has been through over the last three months, the emotional trauma of the last three months, or the fact that my ovaries were radiated and have ceased to function leading to crazy hormones and an early onset menopause. It's probably due to a combination of all three, but whatever the case, tears come easily and I feel like an emotional wreck! I'm sure Mark would appreciate your prayers as he continues to gently support me and walk through all these changes and challenges with me!

I was crying last night as I went to sleep, just wishing that it could all be over, that "cancer" would cease to be the focus of my life, and that I could go back to some sort of normal existence (there's that word again! You'd think I'd learn!). Then today I got up, snuggled with the cat on the couch and pulled out my Bible, my journal, and "Jesus Calling." I am always amazed at how God meets me where I am. Here are the words I read today:

"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that , I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness." (Sarah Young)

Exactly the words I needed to hear today. Such a perfect reminder to me that He knows where I am, He knows how I feel, He knows what's going on with my physical body, and I can trust Him.

At 1:00 p.m. we met with the oncologist. I was hoping to find out today what the next few months will hold for me, but that was not to be. We are waiting, again! I learned today that until this year the normal course of treatment for my type and stage of cancer would have been six months of IV chemotherapy following surgery. But just this year at the annual meeting of medical oncologists they presented research showing that in my situation further chemotherapy does not appear to be of benefit. Since my cancer responded so well to the initial chemotherapy and radiation, studies are beginning to show that no further chemotherapy is indicated. My oncologist is sending all of my reports and information to the doctor who is the head of the American Society of Clinical Oncology to get his opinion on whether I should have more chemotherapy or not. I was a little disappointed on the way home today and started crying, of course. But then I realized that this is really a good thing - getting a second opinion by the lead researcher in the field!

So, again, I will wait. Accepting each day as it comes to me, and trusting Him absolutely, resting in His sovereignty and faithfulness.

"I'll refresh tired bodies; I'll restore tired souls." Jeremiah 31:25


  1. I'm so glad your info is going to be looked over by the best of the best! Almost over the bump in the road! I am emotional all the time - no early menopause or cancer to blame it on - actors you know ;). Maybe you have another career option when this is all over. Glad you are finding encouragement when you need it. Love you!

  2. You know, Hormones should probably be named... they seem to rise up with personality and opinions of their own accord most of the time without permission and cause us to be emotional when we really rather not be.

    These past few months have taken you for a ride you rather of not been on. Not only have you been in a ride you don't want to be on you have had a few grenades tossed in your lap on the way and told to deal with them.
    Its almost done. You can see the finish line and its always that last mile thats the hardest...well, the first and the last in my opinion.
    May God's blessings fall on you today in unexpected ways that bring smiles, knowing that brings peace and mercy that holds you tight.

  3. There goes Satan again trying to get you down! I think for believers going through cancer, half of the fight is against the enemy and his preying on our thought-life and our emotions. But praise the Lord, that greater is HE that is in us that he that is in the world!! Normal....waiting....all too familiar words for us as well. God is being glorified in and through you so keep your eyes fixed on Jesus! However, I do recognize you are human.... ;)

    Keep sharing...it has an impact on others!


  4. Hi Laura,

    Well, I am going to try this again, today. Yesterday I spent an "emotional" 45 minutes writing you and Mark - and yes, even us guys can get emotional - hormones, too - especially when you get older!!! - LOL. After writing and I decided to preview the results of my efforts - I pressed the Preview button and lost my letter to you and Mark - I really wanted to spit (a very Christian response - LOL, but I decided maybe God didn't want me to send the letter!? So I am going to try and do better this time.

    Ever since I found out that you WERE ill, God placed you on my heart to pray for you and Mark every day - really 2,3,4+ times a day. You both have become very dear to me and I don't understand "why" He has allowed all this to happen to you, but as you have said over and over - He is loving, faithful, compassionate, merciful, etc.!!- and He is!!!

    He never ceases to amaze me. As I was praying for you and Mark this morning, I thanked Him for healing you !!!! and that you would not have to have any more chemo treatments, and only one more surgery. Then I opened your blog and read your notes - I praise Him for answering my prayers and the prayers of so many who truly love you and Mark. I know the "second" opinion will come back with the same conclusion.

    You have been and continue to be such a tremendous blessing to me and so many others. Even in the "down" times you continue to praise Him and trust Him - what a testimony!!!!! I know it's not easy - because I too have been there, but I do know it is the very best thing to do. In reading your blog yesterday - which I tried to respond to :( you touched on the most important thing we as God's children can do - and that is to "let go - and let Him be God". If we could only begin to truly understand how very much He loves us and wants us to just let go and let Him be Daddy our lives would be so much less hectic!- I still have a difficult time letting go.
    The older I get the more I am beginning to understand this, but I want so much more to really know Him - head and heart - and have a closer walk with Him.

    Remember how much you are loved and that "we - COF" are all in this thing together. One of these days we will look back at this and laugh and praise Him for His healing you and conforming you to His Son's image!!!!

    In constant prayer,