Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Twilight Zone

Thursday, 10:45 a.m., the phone rings. Caller ID says, "Private number". I have learned in the last three months that that means a doctor is calling me. The only doctor I am expecting is my oncologist. This is the call I've been waiting for, the call that will determine my life for the next several months. I pick up the phone:

"Dr. Campos here."
"Hi Dr. Campos, how are you?"
"Dr. Allegra says you  need six months of IV chemotherapy."
(the world stops spinning)
"I will email you his letter. Come see me next Tuesday and we'll discuss everything."

And my fate is sealed. Six months of IV treatments. Six more months of focusing on cancer. Six more months of focusing on my physical body. Six more months of fighting fatigue, fighting for "normal", fighting for life.

I hang up the phone and think this is the worse day of my life. OK, maybe that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it today. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders and I struggle to let it go, struggle to remember the lesson I've learned about not carrying burdens that aren't mine to carry. 

I look back at my journal entries for the past several days, this is what they say:

"Thank you that Dr. Campos is getting a second opinion as far as more chemo goes. Please give these two doctors your divine wisdom about what I'm to do. You're the only one who knows if I need it, if this will recur, and if there are still cancer cells in my body. So please guide their thoughts, show them everything they need to see, and speak through them to me." 

And I let the burden go. God is in control. I choose to trust Him today.

The purpose of further chemotherapy is to kill off any micro-metastases that may have already found their way to my liver or lungs. These cancer cells are so small at this point that they are not visible with any screening method now available, so there is no way to know of their presence. Since my cancer was extremely responsive to the initial treatment, I have a really good chance of knocking out any lingering cancer cells that are looking for a place to call home. Simply put, these six months are to "kick it to the curb"!

So that is the plan going forward. As I process this new information today, Chris & Conrad's song, "Lead Me To The Cross" comes on the radio, and I feel Him here with me.

"Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.
Rid me of myself, I belong to You.
Lead me, lead me to Your heart."

I am Yours, Lord, body and soul.


  1. Dear Laura,
    Keep breathing and walking forward. One second at time. Love you lots.

  2. God didn't bring you this far to leave you now, but you know that. He's just sending extra little "chemo angels" for protection for the days ahead. Ric and I love you and admire your strength, and love for the one that ordered our steps even before we were born. We will continue to pray(thanking God) for allowing us to see His mighty work thru and in you.
    Love always in Christ

  3. God is insisting this be done and so as Debbie says...keep walking forward. I know you just want this to be done and over. Your sick and tired of all this focus on it, you dont' want to give any more of your life and time to it and its maddening. It is good to have a God that knows what is best. I imagine if it weren't for Him they may of just passed you by as being good to go and no more treatment.

    6 months... days are slow, but years go by fast and you are going to have more years than you know what to do with to make up for the loss of this one year in your life. God will give you 10 bonus ones and by the time your done living them your going to be so ready to go 'home' and God will just keep you moving and grooving and going ...and on your bookshelf will be a hardback book ... "Laura and the Bob Slayer"... and a box full of letters from people you inspired and gave hope too... and this will be such a distant memory...

  4. But still in REMISSION!!!!


  5. Daily praying for you. HE is faithful.

  6. We're praying in Raleigh and Orlando!
    You bless us and inspire us as you 'walk'
    through this healing. GOD IS SO ABLE !
    Jean in NC

  7. We will be praying withyou through this. God just wants to make sure you are totally whole so he can use you for his glorie. Praise God it will be over in 6 months. You are such a strong women and give so many hope.