Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually

Several people have asked me how I've been feeling, and how I felt while I was in Costa Rica. So, I thought I would give you a quick update! 

Physically, I feel really good! I feel strong. I only had a couple of days in Costa Rica where I felt especially tired, but those days happened while we were working in La Carpio with the COF groups, and I would have felt that had I been sick this past year or not!  All is settled with my bowel system. I am able to eat a normal diet with just a few off-limits foods (nuts, popcorn, and chips) which seem to mess me up when I eat them.  The numbness caused by irritated nerves in my fingertips and feet continues to incrementally improve. 

Emotionally, I am on the mend! When we first arrived in Costa Rica I had about a week of weird emotional days - lots of tears, and strong emotions. I think I was finally able to release some of the things that were suppressed while I was busy fighting this disease; so that was a positive experience. I had a few days during the past month when the reality that I am healthy and alive crashed through and brought me to my knees in gratitude. Again, another positive experience!  There are still moments when I experience some "survivors guilt", and moments when fear tries to creep in. I have become adept at recognizing those moments and those thoughts and choosing instead to continue to trust that everything is in God's hands.

Spiritually, I am a different person than I was 15 months ago. I have a deep peace. I don't worry anymore, or at least not for long. I was reading in 2 Timothy the other day and came across a verse that I have known forever, but for some reason, this time I read it differently:

"...I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return." 2 Timothy 1:12

I have always read this verse as "I know who it is I am trusting," as in I know his name, I know who He is. But when I read it this time, it was different - I don't just know who He is, I don't just know His name. I KNOW Him.  I know HIM. I am intimately connected with my Savior. In the past year, through the darkest of times, I learned things about God's character that I can't even begin to express in words. I committed my life to Him years ago, but in the past year I saw in a very real way how He is committed to me. That is incomprehensible to me. Now... He is absolutely everything to me. "I know the one in whom I trust..."