Thursday, March 11, 2010

Today I am scared

My next PET scan is scheduled for Wednesday, March 17th. I haven't had one since the original scan in June of last year. And I haven't been worried about it at all. In fact I was so calm about it that I began to worry that I wasn't worried!! (I have to have SOMETHING to worry about, right?) I really believe that God has healed me, so certainly the scan will show that.

Then today comes. And I am scared. I have some issues with the nerves in my legs and feet that are related to movement of my head. Most likely this is a normal side effect of my chemotherapy. I ran out of the alpha lipoic acid that I have been taking daily to help with nerve irritation. I didn't take it for a few days. So I am sure this is a result of that.

But the mind starts to play games - every new surge of electricity from my feet to my knees is surely a result of metastatic disease. All the things I have learned about rectal cancer begin to play in my head. Rectal cancer has a high recurrence rate, and it most often recurs close to the original site or in the organs of the pelvic region. I must have a tumor on my spine...and so my thoughts spiral, totally out of control, and totally fabricated. Fear takes over, an unwelcome enemy.

Thankfully, the lessons I've learned begin to come into play: God is in control; God is in the future; take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ; focus on the truth; focus on today; reject lies; be clothed for battle, this is a war; pray continually; choose to trust; God IS good.

Peace comes in like a wave washing over me. Thank you God. I am yours.

"Hide me in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 17:8

11 comments:

  1. Just checking in on you and read this post. HIS perfect love casts out all fear. (1John 4:18) You know that...I'm praying that your emotions catch up with your knowledge. I cannot wait to read of your praises next week!

    To God be the glory,
    Rebecca

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  2. I was thinking of you and thought I would check in. I'm glad to know the specific date for the scan so I can pray for that. I will certainly be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for good results and calming fears and emotions. Thank you for sharing.

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  3. I absolutely love your vulnerability and the way you are so real and share this with your readers. This is so powerful because we all play those mind games. I will be praying that you will give God every thought and let him hold it captive!! I have to pray this prayer for myself many times a day, so I will just add you to the list!!

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  4. Isaiah 41:10

    So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

    Praying for you and KNOWING you are completely healed!

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  5. Phillipians 4:6-7

    Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and do not forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your heart quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.

    Praying that the peace of God will rain down upon you as you remember all of the great and wonderful things that He has done for you and will continue to do for you...for you belong to Him! Jeanne

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  6. You are such a blessing Laura....I agree TOTALLY with Heidi!! Praying for God's peace and assurance for you. STILL CANCER FREE!! Luv ya, V Dismuke

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  7. YOU ARE WELL and I'll be praying against those 'creeping in' thoughts ..we all do that. SEEING you healed and WHOLE and ministering to countless ! (( as you have already! )) BREATHE ! hugs from NC

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  8. Just checking in on you, Laura and read this post and your cancer humor post! I am most certainly praying for you as the scan day approaches and already thanking God for the results. Praying your anxious thoughts don't multiply within you and you take every thought captive to Christ. Laughed aloud at the menopause Girls Night Out! PLEASE!!!!
    Proud of you for those low rider jeans! You go girl!

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  9. Dearest Laura,

    My prayers are with you as you face this new experience. Keep your strong faith in God - He will NOT fail you. Lean on the Good Shepherd when the evil one is playing in your mind.

    Your prayer warriors are hard at work. We all love you so much.

    Praying that God will bless you with comfort and peace as you await the results. Hugs...

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  10. Bob is GONE. Not Bob nor Babette, nor Betty nor anything like him come and take his place in your spine or anywhere. Your whole and well. Its all over. Done. That part of your life is done and over and your going to move on in a brand new chapter of your life that is probably more alive than ever, more passionate about your testimony and your faith will take you to many many places. Bob and all his cohorts are far removed from you.

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