My next PET scan is scheduled for Wednesday, March 17th. I haven't had one since the original scan in June of last year. And I haven't been worried about it at all. In fact I was so calm about it that I began to worry that I wasn't worried!! (I have to have SOMETHING to worry about, right?) I really believe that God has healed me, so certainly the scan will show that.
Then today comes. And I am scared. I have some issues with the nerves in my legs and feet that are related to movement of my head. Most likely this is a normal side effect of my chemotherapy. I ran out of the alpha lipoic acid that I have been taking daily to help with nerve irritation. I didn't take it for a few days. So I am sure this is a result of that.
But the mind starts to play games - every new surge of electricity from my feet to my knees is surely a result of metastatic disease. All the things I have learned about rectal cancer begin to play in my head. Rectal cancer has a high recurrence rate, and it most often recurs close to the original site or in the organs of the pelvic region. I must have a tumor on my spine...and so my thoughts spiral, totally out of control, and totally fabricated. Fear takes over, an unwelcome enemy.
Thankfully, the lessons I've learned begin to come into play: God is in control; God is in the future; take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ; focus on the truth; focus on today; reject lies; be clothed for battle, this is a war; pray continually; choose to trust; God IS good.
Peace comes in like a wave washing over me. Thank you God. I am yours.
"Hide me in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 17:8