This time last year I was wondering if the fear ever went away. I wondered if every PET scan and every lab test and every doctor's appointment would continue to bring up feelings of uncertainty. I wondered if there would ever come a day when I didn't think about cancer.
Well, last week I had PET scan #4, lab work, and a visit with the oncologist. Much to my surprise, I was not worried about the PET scan at all! I was not nervous waiting for the results. I didn't rehearse in my mind what I would do if the lab tests came back abnormal. In fact, when I walked into the doctor's office my heart was full of peace and confidence! I was so thankful to feel strong and well, and to be coming to his office as a healthy person and not someone who was signing in for treatment!
The doctor immediately came into the exam room, handed me my PET scan results and said, "Normal!" I think he was as excited as Mark and I were! He did a complete physical exam and declared me good to go for three more months! We stopped by the chemo infusion room to say hello to all the nurses who became like family to us. There were lots of hugs and smiles all around!
As I left the doctor's office, Chris Tomlin's song, "I Lift My Hands" began to play in my mind again. The song has been in my heart ever since we first sang it at Community of Faith. But this day, the words were especially real for me:
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge You are my strength
As I pour out my heart these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever
God has been so incredibly faithful to me all my life, but I have seen it so clearly since that day in May 2009 when I first heard the words, "You have cancer." And this day, I remember.. You are faithful, God, forever!
I still think about cancer every day, but I consider that a good thing. Cancer occupies much of my daily prayer time as I intercede for so many friends and loved ones who are fighting this disease. But I am so happy to report that the fear and uncertainty are no longer a regular part of my daily life. I lift my hands to believe again...