Toilet Paper

I was looking through some old files the other day and I found this essay. It seemed appropriate given all the time I've spent in the bathroom lately so I thought I would share it with you. The author shall remain anonymous for now until such time as he/she should choose to reveal him/herself.

TOILET PAPER

Anonymous

According to the National Association for Continence, over half of America reads in the bathroom. I am one of them. Millions celebrate National Bathroom Reading Week in June of each year.  I, again, am one of them. I am not Marquis de Sade, who wrote "The 120 Days of Sodom" on a forty foot roll of toilet paper, and I am not Lord Chesterfield, who urged his son to carry a cheap copy of the Latin poets for more practical purposes ( I feel a certain sympathy for the lesser-liked poets of the sixteenth century). Still, I would not be where I am today if it were not for the toilet.

The toilet is a place to meditate, to think, and to read great books. I would not be acquainted with the poetry of Robert Hass, Donald  Hall, or David St. John if it were not for the commode. I would not admire Kurt Vonnegut or George Saunders. I would not be familiar with current events or world happenings. The toilet has been an essential component of my education - perhaps the best teacher I have ever had.

I befriended the the toilet at a young age, following the precedent set by my father, whose bathroom library was larger than the office libraries of most families. I learned not to dog-ear the pages of my father's pulp science fiction and pop psychology books. I began to accumulate my own collection of bathroom books, a mixture of Dr. Seuss, "Ranger Rick Magazine." and Choose Your Own Adventure books.

The toilet was there for me when I was too sick to go to elementary school. I'd stay home, crying because of my fear of vomiting, chin on the lip of the toilet. We'd bond for hours this way. I would pray to be spared from vomiting, and the toilet would sit silently, steadfastly. I would kneel beside it, devouring The Hardy Boys and the Boxcar Children, until I felt it safe enough to return to the less secure environment of my room

Later, the toilet assumed a role of even more importance. My list of required reading became a list of bathroom reading, and I would keep the books in the bathroom, organized neatly on the counter. I would read the biographies of our Presidents, the poetry of the Romantics, the late night scrawls of the Beats. It was with the toilet that I made life-changing decisions about which colleges I wanted to apply to. It was there that I studied for the SAT, though, admittedly, far too little. It was with the toilet that I proofread my essays (not the one you are holding now, rest assuredly).

I do read outside of the bathroom, quite frequently, but never with the same vigor. There is something about the sterility of the environment that is conducive to reading. The white tiles and white cabinets are like empty pages, and they urge me read those filled with type and ink and meaning. The toilet is a place to be alone, and the best reading is done in solitude. Toilets are a gateway to reading, to learning. Ultimately, they are the key to knowledge, porcelain thrones from which man can conquer ignorance.

Top 10 Rules to Live By When You Have a Short Rectum

God is always faithful to encourage me through my friends. He has used many of you to be the hands and feet and hugs of Jesus to me. Just yesterday Teri delivered fresh corn bread to my front door. Today, Kathy "surprised" me with a giant package of Charmin toilet paper! And then I received the following from a new friend, Darla, who has walked this path before me. Enjoy!


Top 10 Rules to Live by When You Have a Short Rectum
1. Always wear underwear.
2. Know where your nearest bathroom is at all times. In Times Square, it is at the McDonald's.
3. Keep lots of reading materials and a digital Yahtzee game in your "new office".
4. If you don't have reading materials readily available, don't stop on the way to the "office" to get them. Get them during a lull in your "work".
5. A hot shower does wonders for your state of mind.
6. When you've been at "work" too long, a warm/hot heated rice bag that smells like chamomile on your rump is very relaxing and takes the edge off.
7. Spending time in your "office" with God is sometimes the only place He can get you still. Just talk to Him and discover what a blessing it is.
8. Don't wear white pants unless you are having a really good day and your haven't eaten anything!
9. Make some phone calls from the office. No one has to know that your colon is under construction - especially the PET scan receptionist or the insurance representative.
10. Last but not least..... God is in control, even when you are not, literally!


Thank you for being good friends to me! Today has been a much better day!

Bathroom Marathon

For the faint of heart, please skip today's post and just know I need your continued prayers for my intestines who have been called back into service after an eight month rest. Check back tomorrow. For those who don't mind the gory details, read on.


Tuesday, not so good. Well, honestly, most of the day was good. My bowel system is going from one extreme to the other, which is apparently a normal development following the type of surgery I've had. It also goes from relatively "normal" days to days of sheer panic to get to the bathroom. Also a very typical response for this type of surgery. It makes it a little hard to plan anything or go anywhere because I never know when or how the nightmare will begin.


And by nightmare, I mean nightmare. Tuesday was going relatively well - one round of bathroom marathon in the afternoon. Then around 6:00 Tuesday evening it started all over again. I spent three hours in and out of the bathroom every 5-10 minutes. Literally. Three hours. I never understood the reason to have a bidet in the bathroom, but now I do. I so wished I had one last night. A garden hose would have been acceptable at that point. My plan is to strangle the surgeon when I go see him on Friday. I know it's not his fault, but it feels good to have someone to blame! : )


By 8:00 pm I am in tears thinking about the fact that I can't take any medication to stop this, and I think to myself, "My bowels will be the death of me." That thought struck me to the core, realizing the fact that my bowels may very well be the cause of my death one day. I crumble to the bathroom floor in a heap, sobbing in anger, fear, and grief. 


Then I remember that I am a warrior. I struggle back to my feet shouting, "No! No! No! No!" I will not let my enemy get the best of me tonight. Then God softly whispers, "I am here. You can do this. There is no death for you - only life. I've already paid the price. I have given you life. You have life."


He's always here when I need him. He never leaves. He even hangs out in my bathroom! 


"...even the darkness will not be dark to you;"  Psalm 139:12 

Simple Pleasures

Well, I think we are making progress! Today has been a good day! No sprints to the bathroom... so far, at least! 


Earlier today I had a great idea for my blog. I started to write it down, but then I thought that it was such a good idea that I would surely remember. I didn't need to write it down. Wrong! Whatever it was is now totally gone from my brain! Chemo brain is still working here! So, no profound musings today! I'll write it down next time.


Mark and I spent the morning hanging out together which is always fun! I actually spent a little while out in the sun today! I walked out of the bedroom in an old swim suit, one that I knew would cover my stomach without any seams or anything that would put pressure on my incision, and asked Mark, while posing, "Well, what do you think?" He took one look at my new bird-leg, basketball-belly, pasty-skinned form and started to laugh! I love his honesty! I started to laugh, too, as I held on to my sore belly. Laughter feels good. No telling what the neighbors thought of me out by the pool!


The doorbell rang later and we opened the door to the delivery of an edible bouquet from some sweet friends!  The bouquet had (notice the use of past tense here!) chocolate covered strawberries in it as well as purple grapes - my favorite! And then it hit me... I can eat grapes again! I don't have to avoid the skins anymore! Betty is gone! Mark and I enjoyed a great afternoon snack!

Simple pleasures are always the best! I hope you enjoyed simple pleasures today!

"But I am trusting you, O Lord. saying, 'You are my God!'"

Psalm 31:14

Be at rest once more

I was reading my Bible Tuesday morning before going to the hospital and God spoke to me these words:

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, 
for the LORD has been good to you." 
Psalm 116:7

Sweet words to encourage me as I went to have my final surgery! 


I have been trying to hold on to those words through this recovery. This recovery has been hard for me physically and emotionally. I've had very little pain at the surgical site, but the loss of bowel control has taken its toll! It's just not a problem you ever want to experience - the words "embarrassing" and "humiliating" come to mind.


Saturday evening was full of tears. I am still coming to grips with the idea that things will never be exactly the same again. I will always be a cancer survivor. I will always experience the long-term side effects of radiation and surgery. I've been told that, and I know it intellectually, but I am just beginning to process it emotionally.


Today, with every step I feel the irritated nerves in my feet. Only God knows how long that will last. With every use of my hands I am made aware of the numbness of my fingertips. Will it ever go away? Every look in the mirror I see a stooped, tired little girl. 


Then God steps in...

• I read these words in "Jesus Calling": "Trust me in every detail of your life... Having sacrificed My very life for you, I can be trusted in every facet of your life."
• I remember that I actually slept through the night Saturday night! That is definitely progress!
• I receive a note from a sweet friend reminding me that I am a warrior.
• I have the joy of watching Community of Faith's service live on the internet!
• I find a website with encouraging information about recovery from ileostomy reversal surgery. It seems my bowels are right on track! I actually feel somewhat more in control today.
• Phone calls, messages, and texts from friends and family come throughout the day reminding me of their love and prayers. 
• Mark and I walk 1.3 miles around the lake behind our house. It took me a while, but I made it! It was so nice to enjoy the sunset, the flowers, the breeze, the ducks, and time with my husband!
• And then this...

Dinner brought by sweet friends, Erica, Brooke, and Brea. Those beautiful faces would make anyone feel better!


The Lord has indeed been good to me! He gave me this day full of His blessings! I will rest once more.

Gotta run!

Diarrhea + Silk duvet cover = Poor combination


Recent abdominal surgery + Sprinting to the bathroom = Poor combination


Laughter + God's mercy = Perfect combination!


Friday night was much the same as Thursday night. Lots of time in the bathroom. It makes me think of an infant who has nights and days mixed up... ok, not exactly, but my system certainly has night and day confused! 


Saturday morning was calm, only to be followed by Saturday afternoon's frenzied sprints to the bathroom. This is not much fun, but I guess I am making progress. Maybe this afternoon's fun means I will actually get to sleep tonight! 


I am a little worried about the carpet between my bed and the bathroom... maybe I should pull it up until things have settled down!


Who's idea was this? Thankfully I am still able to laugh!


Gotta run!

I'll stay home

Thursday evening... 48 hours post-op... welcome back, my old friend... diarrhea...


Yes, one of the expected steps of recovery from my ileostomy reversal surgery is a period of time where my colon is relearning to do its job. Diarrhea has been a common theme of this blog as I've dealt with radiation and IV chemotherapy. Unfortunately, this time, I am not able to take any medication to stop the flow. We don't want to slow the bowels down as they are just now gearing up. So, I spent most of Thursday night in the bathroom. Thankfully, I left a magazine in there earlier in the day as I had plenty of time to read in the middle of the night.


Friday evening... 72 hours post-op... had a diarrhea-free day, yay! However, my stomach is very swollen, assuming the appearance of a basket ball; the incisions look good; and my newly recharged colon has gone into overdrive in the gas-production department! I think I'll stay at home...

Every  year at Christmas we have a Christmas party for the COF staff. We always have a gift exchange which is made more exciting by the fact that half of the gifts are nice gifts and the other half are, well, not exactly what you would want to take home.


This past Christmas Mark received the book pictured above as his part of his gift. I quickly swiped it from him, knowing that the day may come when I would be re-training my bowels in the art of toilet use! What an appropriate gift! LOL! I guess God was getting us prepared for the days and weeks ahead of me now!

Thank you for your faithful prayers. I truly believe the reason my colon went right to work and I was able to come home so quickly, and the reason I have had surprisingly little pain following this surgery is a direct result of your prayers. Please continue to pray for my system to make needed adjustments, that I won't get dehydrated, and that I will heal up completely. 

Hope you all have a great weekend!