Laura's Blog

A Day to Celebrate!

2011-12-21T17:07:00.000-06:00

December 20, 2011 has been a day to CELEBRATE!!!

Today I went to see the oncologist and was told that my most recent PET scan was NORMAL and all my blood work was PERFECT!! All the doctors, nurses, and staff were smiling. They told me not to come back for six months! This was the best early Christmas present ever! Thank you God, for this gift!

Me, rockin' the paper gown and red shoes!

Today Mark and I celebrate 28 years of marriage! I am so grateful to be married to my best friend! We have had the most amazing life together and we are looking forward to many more years of adventures together! Thank you, God, for this gift!

December 20, 1983

Today we celebrate my dad's birthday too! I have the best dad in the world! He has always prayed for me daily, pointed me to Christ, and supported and encouraged my dreams. I am so thankful for his consistent example of a man "after God's own heart." Thank you, God, for this gift!

Daddy

Today my girls are home and it's almost Christmas! I am so thankful that God "loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." Thank you, God, for this gift!

Celebrating Christmas 2011

I pray that each day of this Christmas season is a day to CELEBRATE for you and your family! I am thankful for each one of you and your faithful friendship! Thank you, God, for this gift!

Think Again

2011-11-30T09:51:00.001-06:00

The past month has been the most difficult of our 30+ years of ministry. We have faced situations that we have never experienced before. Our hearts have been broken, our trust betrayed.

In the middle of all of these experiences, I read this in Jesus Calling one day:

This is a time of abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings... I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you.

I literally laughed out loud! This had been the worst month ever. The church had been rocked to the core, the people and staff were hurting. I thought to myself, "Well, this devotion is off the mark today; this is certainly not a time of abundance and blessing and ease and refreshment! I'll just disregard this little devotion."

Then God opened my eyes and spoke to my heart: "Laura, you are looking at it wrong. Your focus is off. These words are true. They are always true of your life, not based on your circumstances, but on my character."

God is still God. He is still on his throne. He is continually pouring out his blessing and abundance on me. He continually offers refreshment to me if I will look to him to find it. He will ease the way if I let him carry the burden. He promises to be strong in my weakness. He delights in providing it for me!

What a change of thinking! What a profound turn-around of everything! The circumstances don't matter - they don't change the fact that my life is overflowing with God's goodness and blessing always, no matter how it may seem or how it may feel, or how difficult it may be.

Last weekend Mark preached from 2 Chronicles 20, the story of King Jehoshaphat, my favorite story in Scripture. God performed an amazing miracle and turned what the enemy intended to be the destruction of God's people into a "Valley of Blessing." That's what God does! I can't wait to see all that God is going to do as he turns the past 30 days into a "Valley of Blessing" for me and for my church!

"Give thanks to the Lord; his faithful love endures forever."

2 Chronicles 20:21

He Knows

2011-10-29T15:06:00.004-05:00

"The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are,
he remembers we are only dust."

Psalm 103:13-14

I have a weakness for pottery. I love the different shapes, the designs, the textures, the curves. I am intrigued by the fact that someone's hands formed the items I treasure; their creativity on display for others to enjoy. The bright colors bring me pleasure!

Whenever we travel, I usually find some sort of pot or vase to bring home as a reminder of the culture and country we visited. Many in my collection have been gifts from friends around the world, making them even more special to me!

One of my most prized possessions is probably the least expensive piece of pottery I have. It's value comes from the fact that it was given to me by my sweet Batwa friends in Burundi, Africa. They spent a week mixing the mud themselves, forming the pot, smoothing it with their hands, delicately carving designs around the side, and lovingly setting it in the fire to dry. They diligently worked together with me in mind, making gifts for all the guests who were coming. On the day of our final visit to their village, they thanked us for our friendship, they danced with us, prayed for us, and presented each of us with the gift of their handiwork. I was humbled and honored by their generosity.

I knew this piece of pottery was extremely fragile, and I desperately wanted it to survive the journey to it's new home in Texas. I carefully wrapped the pot in my clothing, filling the inside and wrapping several t-shirts around to protect it. I put it in my carry-on bag, placing things around it to keep it from bouncing around during the trip. I cushioned it above and below. I carried it with me in the car to the airport. I kept it in my hands all through the airport. It never left my sight, except as it passed through the x-ray machine at the security check point. Even then, I was watching my bag go through the machine and I grabbed it as soon as it passed through. I kept it with me as we waited to board the plane, and I gently set it under the seat in front of me on the airplane. I kept my eye on it during all three flights home, making sure it didn't get bumped or roll around.

I knew that this pot was delicate. I knew that even an unintentional blow could shatter what was so special to me. And because I knew, I took extreme measures to take extra special care of the pot. Thankfully, the pot made it to Houston and is now proudly on display in my home!

As I was reading Psalm 103:13-14 the other day, God reminded me of the Batwa pot. It's the picture of what God is saying in this verse. He knows how weak I am. He remembers that I am only dust. Just as I took extreme care of the fragile Batwa pot, God is lovingly caring for me. He wraps me up in his love. He fills me, he protects me. He never lets me out of his hands, and he never takes his eyes off me. He knows me, and so he carries me.

I am grateful for a God who so lovingly "remembers we are only dust."

Today I want to acknowledge...

2011-10-12T09:02:00.000-05:00

I've been reading through the book of Romans in the New Testament. Just the other day I opened myBible and picked up where I had been reading and this is whatit said,

“Since these people refused even to think about God, he let theiruseless minds rule over them. That's why they do all sorts of indecent things.They are evil, wicked, and greedy, as well as mean in every possible way. Theywant what others have, and they murder, argue, cheat, and are hard to get alongwith. They gossip, say cruel things about others, and hate God. They are proud,conceited, and boastful, always thinking up new ways to do evil. These peopledon't respect their parents. They are stupid, unreliable, and don't have anylove or pity for others.” Romans1:28-31

I finishedreading those verses and I sat there, deeply convicted that this is the mostcommon lie I believe. I think I don’t need God. And I live my life based on that belief. I don’tthink it consciously, but I operate as if that were thecase.

Another translation of this verse says, “Since they didn’t bother to acknowledge God…”

How oftenhave I failed to even acknowledge God? Just started the day out on my own, goneto school or work without thinking about God? Tried to resolve issues on thejob, or struggles in my relationships without even acknowledging Him? How manytimes have I parented my kids on my own, without turning to God first? When Ido that, I am basing my life on the lie that I don’t need God, and that’s ascary place to live.

The Biblevery clearly tells me what the result of that belief is – if I refuse toacknowledge God in my life, my life will be characterized by these things : evil, wickedness, greed, indecency, gossip, cruelty, pride, etc.

And it’snot complicated. God isn’t asking me for something difficult. He just saysacknowledge Me, think about Me. How do I acknowledge someone's presence? It can be as simple as a nod of the head, or a look in the eyes; butit changes how I operate, doesn’t it? I see you, I know you are here, I am living and moving and working withthe knowledge of your presence. If my boss is in the room, I do thingsdifferently. I make sure I am carrying out the company policiesand procedures, I am operating based on the ideals of the company.

That’swhat God is saying. Think about me, acknowledge me in your life on a daily,moment by moment basis and as you do, you will naturally begin to live yourlife based on God’s ideals and principles.

When Idon’t acknowledge my need for God on a regular basis, and I don’t slow downlong enough just to connect with God, to spend time with him, to read andmeditate on the Scripture, I am saying that I don’t need God. I’ve got this God.No worries. I’m strong enough and smart enough, I have enough experience, andgood will to handle it. You go ahead and take care of other things.

And don’tyou know God's heart just breaks! Not again, Laura, I’ve told you what’s going tohappen – wickedness, arguing, cheating, gossip, pride, stupidity...

I’ve spent time with people who talk a lot about church, religion, and Christianity – I’m sure you have too. They talk a good game. But I’ve also spent time with people who actually live what they are talking about. There is a big difference between the two.

James 1:26 says, “Anyone who sets himself up as ‘religious’ by talking a good game is self-deceived.”

Christianity is not a religious belief system. It is intended to be a supernatural, personal relationship with the living dynamic God of the universe. That’s what the Bible is talking about here, not just a nice respectful belief system to help give you a peaceful, happy life. God intends for your relationship with him to be life-changing, to be transformational, and to produce authenticity in you.

God, today I choose to acknowledge your presence. Thank you that you never leave me on my own. Thank you that I don't have to handle things by myself. Thank you that you are patient with me, constantly teaching me and waiting for me to get it. I love you for that!

Imagination

2011-10-03T08:17:00.000-05:00

A year and a half post chemotherapy, I think I am doing good. Physically I feel great. Emotionally I seem to have conquered cancer. Spiritually I have learned so much more about my God. But then, out of the blue, it starts again.

Week before last, for two days, I feel tired. My immediate thought: "It's back." Anxiety takes over. I feel sick. I talk myself down. "You didn't sleep well for two nights. That is why you feel tired. Relax."

Last week, my stomach hurts. My immediate thought: "It's back." I remind myself, "You JUST had a colonoscopy; your colon is healthy. Relax."

Today, I wake up with a headache behind my eye. My immediate thought: "It's back. It has metastasized to my brain." I laugh at myself! "Really?? Colon cancer doesn't normally go to the brain. It's just a headache. Relax."

It's tiring having a brain, and an imagination! I obviously need to find something better to do with mine!

The Perfect Dress

2011-09-28T22:23:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago Sarah, Ashley, and I set out on a search for the perfect wedding dress...

(Yes, it was a windy day!)

We visited several wedding boutiques where Sarah was treated like the princess she has always been (hence the name "Sarah"!)...

As Sarah tried on many gorgeous dresses...

Ashley and I took a look around the store...

After a two day search, Sarah found the perfect dress and placed her order...

(Sorry, no photo available! You didn't really think I was going to show it to you, did you?)

We were all super excited and started the drive home. It's hard to believe that I really bought a wedding dress for my sweet Sarah! Every girl dreams about her wedding day, and it is so exciting to see those dreams come true for Sarah!

On the way home, Sarah said, "Mom, I'm so glad you got to do this with me!"

I replied, "Of course I went with you! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!"

Sarah paused and explained, "When you were sick, I didn't know if you would be here to do this with me." Her eyes filled up with tears and they spilled onto her rosy cheeks.

I started to cry too, so sorry for the fear my girl had to face; and so eternally grateful that I am here to be a part of her wedding.

Thank you, God, once again, for the gift of THIS day with my girls!

"Scanxiety"

2011-09-21T10:08:00.000-05:00

"Scanxiety" is a documented phenomenon experienced by cancer patients and survivors. The Community Dictionary defines it as:

"the tension which builds particulary amongst those who have or have had cancer as they move towards their regular check up scan, hyperscanxiety being the period as they await results!"

Luckily, I don't suffer from this phenomenon. Tuesday morning, we are driving to the surgery center for my colonoscopy and Mark casually asks me, "So, how are you feeling?" "I feel fine," I reply. "I don't feel nervous at all."

And then it hits me... I, in fact, don't feel anything at all. My emotions are completely shut down. What I DO feel is tension in my jaw and knots in the muscles of my shoulders. I haven't slept well for a week. And it occurs to me that perhaps I am experiencing "scanxiety," it's just manifesting itself in a different way than it normally does.

I ask Mark, "And how are you feeling?"
His answer, "I don't feel anything either. I'm numb." Scanxiety victim number two.

The staff at the surgery center are amazing. I don't even feel the IV as it is inserted into my rolling vein! I climb onto the table, they gently cover me with a warm blanket (that I know will be stripped from my body as soon as I am asleep!), I watch as two medications are injected into my IV, and that's the last thing I remember. I wake up in the recovery room to the sound of a sweet nurse, telling me that my colon is normal, handing me pictures of my insides, and telling me that the doctor will come see me soon.

My colon is normal. Did she just say that? I drift back to sleep.

A little later Mark and I arrive home. He wraps me in a giant hug and we hold onto each other, so thankful for good news one more time!

I feel like I can live again. At least for a couple more months until my next PET scan!

May I please be excused?

2011-09-19T15:34:00.000-05:00

Sunday evening, standing beside the kitchen sink, I slowly pour the Miralax powder into the glass, add water, and begin stirring. This is day five of twice-a-day laxatives shots, leading up to the full colon prep on Monday afternoon. Tuesday I have the pleasure of Colonoscopy #4.

Miralax is colorless, odorless, tasteless, grit-less, but still I gag as it goes down. It's a conditioned response I'm sure. I make two batches of jello, put apple juice and sprite in the refrigerator. I am ready for Monday's clear liquid diet. I walk by the Half-Lytely box - I can't even look at it - I dread the Monday evening adventure it implies.

I climb in bed Sunday night, thinking to myself, "God, may I please be excused?"

I remember as a child, coming in from playing outside, rushing through dinner, and then asking my mother, "May I please be excused?" I was finished with dinner and so ready to get back outside to play some more.

And I find myself with the same feelings. God, may I please be excused? I have done everything - all the treatments, and appointments, and surgeries, and lab work, and tests, and scans, and exams - I am SO done with this! I want to go on! May I be excused?? Please?

I'm sure He smiles at me. "Take my hand, Laura, let me walk with you."

Monday morning. I am starving. My stomach keeps telling me to go fix something to eat. My brain intervenes (thankfully) and reminds me that jello is the only thing on the menu today! I decide to make this as pleasant as possible and serve my jello in Spode Christmas Tree China!

At noon I swallow a small pink tablet - Bisacodyl - it's stated purpose by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration is to cause diarrhea! Let the run, I mean fun, begin!

Are you sure I can't be excused, yet, God?

Reading materials and baby wipes in the bathroom, check!
Path cleared to the nearest bathroom (because I WILL be running!), check!

This evening's drinking of Half-lytely still blocked from my mind...

Feeling Life

2011-09-03T15:22:00.003-05:00

Have you ever really FELT alive? Felt the strength and power living inside your physical body? Most of the time I just live my life, so used to living in this earth suit that I am not aware of the life that is present inside it. I go through the routines of my day without giving a second thought to the fact that there is life inside of me. Then I got sick with cancer. Suddenly, the fact that I had life, and that life was threatened, brought it all clearly into focus. Each new morning was a celebration, every meal kept down a victory. The ability to take a walk, or open a jar produced a wellspring of gratitude. Quiet moments, whispered prayers, unspoken looks became treasured proofs of life to hang on to.

Fast forward two years...

I grab a walking stick and step into the river. The water is high, the current is strong. If I'm not careful, if I misstep, I will be quickly carried, tumbling, downstream. I plant each foot deliberately. I feel the strength of my thighs as I stand strong against the rapids. My heart is beating. Adrenaline is firing into my system. My lungs are drawing in clean, crisp mountain air. I follow my guide and begin to climb up over the falls to get to the quiet pools above. The river fights against my path; I struggle on, up over the giant rocks. Finally reaching the other side, I step on the rocks of the bank. I feel so alive. I feel so strong. And I begin to cry. I am so grateful for this moment. I am thankful that my body is healthy. I am thankful that I have life living in me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. And so begins a private worship service, just me and my God. Feeling Life. You have been good to me!

"You gave me life and showed me your unfailing love.
My life was preserved by your care."
Job 10:12

Continually

2011-08-23T16:03:00.000-05:00

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

What does God want? He wants me to pray continually. He wants me to be full of joy, to give thanks all the time.

I’ve heard that verse all my life, and my first thought is always, I can’t do that. I can’t do anything continually. How can I pray non-stop? That’s ridiculous. And I just kind of glide over that verse…

Then I decided to study that word “continually” more closely. The definition of continually is: seemingly without interruption, habitually, without end or stopping, steady.

It is the picture of something that recurs frequently. When I read that for the first time, it finally made sense. God isn’t saying that I have to be laughing and praying, and giving thanks every second of my life – but he is saying that I should be doing these things so often that it appears that I never stop. It seems to be without interruption. Suddenly, what God is asking me to do becomes possible.

Have you ever sat down at a piano keyboard and started playing a single note. You play it over and over and over until the sound seems to blend together, the sound of one note continues in the air until the next note is played? A hum begins to hang in the air until it sounds like there is no space in between the notes you are playing. It seems to be without interruption.

That’s the picture the Bible is painting in this verse. My life should be characterized by joy, by prayer, by gratitude so much so that it appears I never stop. One prayer should still be hanging in the air when I voice the next one. The result of my gratitude should still be felt when next I give thanks. My joyful smile should still be felt by one person when I share it with someone else.

That’s what God wants me to do. Live my life like that. It brings Him pleasure and it brings me pleasure too.

Sweeter Than Honey

2011-08-16T20:05:00.001-05:00

I had an appointment with the surgeon last week. As I sat in the waiting room I started thinking of all the things that had happened in the three months since I'd seen him last:

I traveled to Africa, Costa Rica, Colorado, and Galveston; I enjoyed time with all my kids; I visited with all my extended family; Sarah got engaged; we bought a wedding dress; we baptized 95 people, we buried two friends.

I was so thankful to be alive! And so thankful to be the healthy person in the waiting room!

As these thoughts swirled around in my mind, the voices of an elderly couple in the room broke through my thinking. They were there to see the doctor. She was obviously sick. And they were discussing the fact that this was the final road. They weren't upset. They weren't sad. In fact, they were happy, reminiscing about all the good things they had experienced together in their life. It was such a beautiful, peaceful, intimate conversation, I almost felt guilty for overhearing them. Such love. Such bravery. Such beauty.

I wondered to myself, "When my time finally comes, will I face it with such grace and faith?"

Once again I heard the words "All Clear!" from the surgeon. He congratulated me on the two year anniversary of my initial surgery. He reminded me that we are going to continue to be aggressive in monitoring me for any recurrence. I thanked him for that.

I walked to the car, fighting back tears - tears of joy and gratitude for more time to live. Honestly, I wanted to shout it to the whole world: "I DON'T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE!!!"

Instead, I hopped in the car, sent an "All Clear" text message to Mark, and hit I-10 for the drive home. I turned on the radio and the words of "Even Now" by Will Reagan of United Pursuit began to play. They perfectly expressed the fullness of my heart:

"Your love is sweeter than honey, Your love is stronger than death, Your love lifts me of my burdens, and shows me how to dance."

July 13, 2011

2011-08-14T20:41:00.001-05:00

Tyler proposed... Sarah said "YES!!"

Thanks to Christie Lacy Photography for the beautiful pictures!

On a warm summer night, on a beautiful beach on the Caribbean coast of Costa Rica, Tyler dropped to one knee and asked Sarah to be his wife. He put a gorgeous diamond solitaire on her hand making her the happiest girl in the world!

Tyler, we have prayed for you for 23 years! We are so happy to have you as part of our family! We are excited to see all that God is going to do in and through the two of you together!

CONGRATULATIONS to my sweet Sarah!

We love you both so much!!

God's Love Call

2011-08-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

Living in the wake of cancer, at times I find myself still struggling with residual thoughts and feelings. Thankfully, at this point, it is not constantly on my mind, but most days it still enters my thinking at some point. Not long ago, I spent the whole weekend, several days in fact, despairing if I would ever find "me" again, if anything would ever be the same again. Every thought, every conversation, every waking moment was consumed by these ideas.

And all weekend long there was a bird in our yard yelling at me. He would swoop across the backyard squawking. He even sat on the patio chair looking in through the back window - literally for hours, without provocation - hollering at me, scolding me, warning me.

I was aggravated. What is he doing? He is dirtying the chair! Disturbing my peace! Upset over nothing! We aren't going to bother him, or his nest. He has the whole backyard to himself!

Hours pass. The bird is still there - angry, determined, frustrated, squawking. This bird is crazy! Everything is fine, the yard is safe. We even like birds, for goodness sake!

The next morning I wake up, remember to spend time with God, pray, journal, ask His forgiveness for trying to make it on my own (again!) the last few days. I open up "Jesus Calling" for that day and here is what it said (I kid you not!):

"As you listen to birds calling to one another, hear also My love call to you... You can find me not only in beauty and birdcalls, but also in tragedy and faces filled with grief. I can take the deepest sorrow and weave it into a pattern for good."

God, it was you all along! Trying to get my attention, to pull my focus back to you, to get my eyes on your truth. You also gently tell me that I have been sounding a little like that squawking bird... fussing, complaining and whining instead of resting and trusting in your goodness. You're pretty funny! You can use anything and everything. You make me smile again. Thank you, Lord, for my crazy bird. And for never ceasing to call me, for never ceasing to meet me, for never ceasing to pull me up! Your love is never-ending. Please help me to recognize your presence today in whatever form it takes! I love you!

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you,

or ask the birds of the air, and they will tell you.

Speak to the earth, and it will teach you,

or let the fish of the sea tell you.

Every one of these knows that the hand of the Lord has done this.

The life of every creature and the breath of all people are in God's hand."

Job 12:7-10

Sorrow and Joy

2011-08-06T10:27:00.004-05:00

Summer 2011 has been one of sorrow and of joy.

Sorrow came in June as two sweet friends finished the race, left this planet, and entered into the presence of the Lord. Joy came in calling them "friend."

I met John Dettore in April 2010 and was immediately intrigued by his story and inspired by his attitude and faith. John's life was characterized by three things: his commitment to Jesus; his love for his wife, Ellen; and the joy he found in being a father to Alexandra. I only knew John for fourteen months, but during that short time, in spite of the difficult circumstances of his health, he consistently brought encouragement, hope, and laughter to my life. He served the Lord well, he loved his family well, and he left an example to all of us of a true warrior for Christ. Thank you, God, for allowing me to know John. Please take good care of him until we meet again.

Dan Chase was a quiet man of strength and grace. We met the Chase family many years ago when we attended the same church. In 2003, as we started Community of Faith, Dan and his family decided to join us. True to his nature, Dan immediately stepped in and started serving. He took the most difficult position - one that required early morning hours, long days, physical labor, and working in the Houston heat and rain. - he was the leader of our Roadie Team. For years he made sure everything was set up and ready to go on Sunday mornings, providing a safe, comfortable place for guests at COF to relax and learn how much God loved them. He never once complained, never once let COF down. What a gift he was to our church! The great love of Dan's life was his family - Melissa, his wife of 27 years, and their four children. When he wasn't working, Dan was camping, playing games, joking, and hanging out and loving on those five people who had the privilege of experiencing God's love through him. What a great example he was to all who knew him, and what a great emptiness has been left by his death. Thank you, God, for the honor of knowing Dan Chase. May I learn to be as humble and caring as he was.

Photo courtesy of www.randyolive.com

Thank you, to so many of you who have prayed for these two men in their health struggles. Please continue to pray for their families as they grieve and remember their sorrow and joy.

Be Still

2011-07-04T11:11:00.001-05:00

“Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

Full-Time Joy

2011-06-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

June 6, 2011

The last two weeks have felt like some of the longest in my life! There are days I question God’s wisdom in choosing me to work in full-time ministry. “Full-time” in this context does not mean a five day forty hour work week. It doesn’t mean a couple of busy weeks and then the pressure lets up. It is constant. The responsibility is an impossible burden. The reality is a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual weight that will crush you if you try to carry it alone.

At Community of Faith we always talk about “doing life together.” But this life is messy! It involves hurt and grief and growth and tears.

Doing life together means you listen and cry as a friend pours out their broken heart to you.

It means you counsel friends who are struggling in their marriage, encouraging them to continue walking through the “tunnel of chaos” to be all that God intends for them to be.

Doing life together means you take your friends to chemotherapy, you cry with them and rejoice with them at each twist of the cancer roller coaster.

It means you experience anger when faced with the devastating consequences of sin in a young life…again.

Doing life together means you laugh and cry with a young widow as she begins the process of grief at the loss of her husband and best friend, the father of her children.

Doing life together means you are overwhelmed by the depravity of humanity, the gravity of sin, the hopelessness of our world. Do we really hurt each other so easily? Do we really abuse children like that? Do we really enslave each other for our own gratification?

Doing life together means you run to the Savior again, and again, and again. You recognize that HE is our only hope. He IS our salvation.

As difficult as all that may be, the pain is erased by the joy of doing life together! What an honor to welcome new life into this world! What a gift to see the transforming hand of God at work in the life of a young couple! What a pleasure to be the one who is called on in good times and bad!

I am privileged to see God’s miracles take place on a regular basis! I am reminded over and over of God’s goodness, His faithfulness, His forgiveness, His mercy, His constancy, His power, and His love. I have a front row seat!

So, thank you God, for choosing me. Thank you for giving me the gift of a life of full-time ministry. Thank you for allowing me a glimpse of your hand at work. Thank you for letting me have some small part of what you are doing. Thank you for opening the windows of heaven to me!

“How great is the Lord! His power is absolute!

His understanding is beyond comprehension!

Psalm 147:5

Give me Faith

2011-05-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

When I was in high school we lived in southern California. One of the tourist attractions of the area was Disneyland. I made several trips to "the happiest place on earth" over the course of those years, enjoying all the rides, shows, and shops. The ride I remember best was called Space Mountain. It was a brand new roller coaster and the line to ride was hours long. After you finally boarded the ride and strapped yourself in, the roller coaster took off and you were plunged into pitch blackness! The whole ride took place in the dark. There were invisible twists, turns, and drops. The blackness was pierced by screams and laughter. And when you came to the end, most people jumped off and ran to get in line to ride again. I was one of those people who loved roller coasters.

I guess maybe in some way those experiences helped prepare me for the whole cancer experience. Even after finishing treatment, having consistently good PET scan results, and going on to live my life, it still feels like I am on a roller coaster.

Roller coaster going up...
Click, click, click, click... big smiles... appointment with the surgeon... "Everything looks normal!"

Roller coaster drops...
AAAAaaahhhhh!!!!! ... shock... a family member is diagnosed with stage four breast cancer...

Roller coaster going up...
Click, click, click, click... laughter, smiles, hands in the air... a close friend is declared "cancer free!" Thank you Lord!

Roller coaster drops...

AAAAaaahhhhh!!!!! ... anger... my friend, Darla, is facing surgery #3 as a result of side effects from radiation... Why, God, when everything was going so well?!!!!

Roller coaster going up...
Click, click, click, click... big smiles... another friend's wife gives me a big hug and says that her husband is doing well! Thank you Lord!

Roller coaster twists upside down...
AAAaaahhh!!! ... grief... my friend, John, continues to struggle in his fight against colon cancer. God please give him more time...

And on and on it goes.

Anger rears its ugly head again. I hate cancer. I hate that my family and friends have to deal with the grief, fear, pain, and complications of this disease. But even as I struggle with these emotions, God meets me there. I am sitting in worship at Community of Faith and we begin to sing:

Give Me Faith
by Mack Brock

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You’re shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say
That you’re good and your love is great
I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak
But your Spirit’s strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will

Tears come. God whispers to my heart: "Why are you so angry? You trusted me in your own battle with cancer. Can you not trust that I am working in the life of your friends the same way?"

Will I trust you still?

"Give me faith to trust what you say, that you're good and your love is great."

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-16T18:39:00.001-05:00

Mother's Day Couplet, 2011

By David Shook

I've dreamed to see you dance among the Twa,

your body free, your heart agape with awe.

My new friends!

Celebration of Healing Dance!

"Precious in His sight..."

Batwa Leadership Committee

We had an amazing trip to Bujumbura, Burundi. It was so exciting to see all that God has done in the two short years of our partnership with this beautiful group of people! They have learned so much and accomplished so much! Their land is producing enough crops to feed all the families in Matara, to give food to their neighbors in need, and to sell. Their children are in the top of their classes at school. They have started several successful businesses that have grown, employing others! They have healthy goats and cows. They drink milk daily! Not one baby has been lost in two years! They are full of joy and openly sing God's praises for how He has blessed them. And... they are looking forward to going out and helping other Batwa communities! That's how it's supposed to be. God's blessing received, poured out, and shared. Thank you, God, for letting us be a part of what you are doing in Burundi!

Mom's Return to Travel

2011-05-02T13:05:00.001-05:00

Last December I was sitting around talking to the kids. We were talking about the new year and the things we had planned, looking at our calendars and trying to coordinate plans. David started telling me of all the places we could go in 2011, from Kenya, to Burundi, to Turkey. The plans were elaborate and exciting!

Then he said exuberantly, "It's mom's return to travel!" It made me laugh, and more than that, it gave me hope. With that one statement he confirmed that I was healthy again. He validated the fact that my life was returning to normal, and that I would once again enjoy the things that bring me so much joy in my life!

True to David's proclamation, I have already spent several weeks traveling this year, to Oman, Syria, Egypt, and Jordan; and now I find myself at the airport again, headed off on a big adventure!

I was first diagnosed with cancer about a week before I was to travel to Burundi, Africa, to meet the Twa people with whom Community of Faith had established a partnership. I spent much of 2008 and 2009 preparing for that trip. If you've read my blog from the beginning, you may remember that one of my first questions to the doctor was, "But I'm supposed to go to Africa in a week, what do you think about that?"

Of course, the doctor told me that I would have to cancel those plans and concentrate on getting my health back. With a sad heart, I followed his instructions, and with grief I sent my friends and family on to Burundi without me that year.

But 2011 has brought with it "Mom's Return to Travel"! Today, I am at the international airport in Doha, Qatar, awaiting my next flight that will take me on to Africa for ten days spent with old and new friends! Mark and I will be meeting with young entrepreneurs from across the continent of Africa, listening, learning, dreaming, discussing, and praying together. Anticipating all that God is going to do for the people of Africa.

Then I will take my first trip to Bujumbura, Burundi. I can hardly believe that this trip is finally becoming a reality! I am going to meet the sweet Twa friends who have prayed for me all through my cancer journey! I will get to sing and dance with them. I will spend time at the village of Matara witness to all that God has done in two short years in and through this amazing group of people! I will meet Iribuka, the first little girl born on their new land, as well as many other beautiful children. And I will worship God with them. The one true God who never forgot them, who loves them with an everlasting love, and who knit our hearts together from around the globe. I can't believe it's really happening!

Thank you, God, for giving me this opportunity. Thank you for letting me live to see this day! Thank you for my return to travel! And thank you that you never forget!

"But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children." Psalm 103:17

Damascus, Syria with mom

Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt

St. Catherine's Monastery, Sinai Peninsula, Egypt

Petra, Jordan

April 30

2011-04-30T23:03:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday. The second birthday I've celebrated since I was diagnosed with cancer. Birthdays seem so much more special now - now that the prospect of not having any more became a reality two years ago. Thanks to my amazing family, our crazy COF staff, and my sweet friends, I had a great birthday week! There were fresh flowers, shared meals, giant cookies, sweet cards, Facebook messages, surprise gifts, beautiful (?) singing, time with family, lots of laughter, and, of course, ice cream! Thank you to all of you who made me feel so special today! And thank you to my creator who saw fit to let me live to see another birthday!

"Indeed, if a man should live many years, let him rejoice in them all..." Ecclesiastes 11:8

Open Eyes

2011-04-25T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have always loved the story of the prophet Elisha found in 2 Kings 6:8-23. Mainly because I think it would be so cool to open my eyes and suddenly see what’s really going on in the spiritual realm around me. Wouldn’t that be amazing? The servant’s cry here, his nervous spirit when he sees the enemy army surrounding the city, sounds so much like me much of the time.

“Oh no!!!! What do I do???” I am looking at whatever physical circumstances are going on in my life and I start to freak out. I panic, or I go into the “I can fix it” mode, or I get angry or hurt or scared. Suddenly my life is a whirlwind of activity and emotion, everything spirals down to chaos.

Eventually, I turn to God and normally say something like, “Where were you? Why did you let this happen? Don’t you see what’s happening here? Don’t you care?”

This story is such a beautiful picture to me of God’s constant care. He is watching over Israel’s enemies. He knows everything they are doing, every evil plan they form against His people, and He makes sure that His people have what they need to succeed and survive. I had never really thought of this before. I know that God watches over me and protects me and provides for me. But to know that his care for me goes so far as to include constant surveillance of my enemies is amazing! God is watching, listening, moving, and working on my behalf constantly!

The story confirms the truth that God is omniscient. The word “omniscient” means “total knowledge.” Nothing can be hidden from God. He knows everything about everyone. He hears every conversation, and he reads every thought. God knows everything instinctively, instantly, perpetually, completely, infallibly, and eternally. He possesses total knowledge.

That’s kind of a scary thought. He knows all about us. He knows our thoughts, and he monitors our attitudes and actions. We are constantly under surveillance. But when we see it from the other side – the fact that he knows everything means that I am completely safe with him – it changes the whole landscape of my life! I don’t have to worry – God knows what’s going on. I don’t have to be afraid – God has it under control. He isn’t surprised by anything, not by circumstances, not by people, not even by me.

Can you imagine the servant, when God opens his eyes to the spiritual truth all around him, he must have been totally overwhelmed. I can imagine what he thought – “Are you kidding me?? This is the true situation?? Oh my God (literally!) we are so OK! There is nothing the enemy can do against us! God is here! He is in control!"

One thing that is interesting to me is that Elisha did not pray that God would come and protect him, or that he would send his angels to surround the city. He didn’t have to. They were already there! The miracle was not the presence of the angel guards; that was a constant reality. The miracle was that the servant saw them.

Psalm 68:17 says, “The chariots of God are tens of thousands and thousands of thousands.”

It doesn’t tell us in this story how many angels and chariots were surrounding the city of Dothan, but can you imagine if there were thousands upon thousands? How small and insignificant the enemy army must have appeared when the servant’s eyes were opened to see them!

Everything changed in that moment - His whole perspective, his emotions, his attitude, his thinking, and his belief system. His fear changed to courage. Chaos changed to peace. Certain defeat was turned into personal strength.

It all came as a result of the awareness of God’s presence, and it resulted in victory!

God, please help me to see the reality of your presence today. Help me to feel the security of your constant surveillance. Help me to trust you again today.

I Remember...

2011-04-04T07:31:00.000-05:00

This time last year I was wondering if the fear ever went away. I wondered if every PET scan and every lab test and every doctor's appointment would continue to bring up feelings of uncertainty. I wondered if there would ever come a day when I didn't think about cancer.

Well, last week I had PET scan #4, lab work, and a visit with the oncologist. Much to my surprise, I was not worried about the PET scan at all! I was not nervous waiting for the results. I didn't rehearse in my mind what I would do if the lab tests came back abnormal. In fact, when I walked into the doctor's office my heart was full of peace and confidence! I was so thankful to feel strong and well, and to be coming to his office as a healthy person and not someone who was signing in for treatment!

The doctor immediately came into the exam room, handed me my PET scan results and said, "Normal!" I think he was as excited as Mark and I were! He did a complete physical exam and declared me good to go for three more months! We stopped by the chemo infusion room to say hello to all the nurses who became like family to us. There were lots of hugs and smiles all around!

As I left the doctor's office, Chris Tomlin's song, "I Lift My Hands" began to play in my mind again. The song has been in my heart ever since we first sang it at Community of Faith. But this day, the words were especially real for me:

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge You are my strength
As I pour out my heart these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

God has been so incredibly faithful to me all my life, but I have seen it so clearly since that day in May 2009 when I first heard the words, "You have cancer." And this day, I remember.. You are faithful, God, forever!

I still think about cancer every day, but I consider that a good thing. Cancer occupies much of my daily prayer time as I intercede for so many friends and loved ones who are fighting this disease. But I am so happy to report that the fear and uncertainty are no longer a regular part of my daily life. I lift my hands to believe again...

Just a Reminder...

2011-03-09T20:08:00.000-06:00

Yes, it is STILL Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month! So, just in case you have forgotten, here are the risk factors for colorectal cancer:

Age - the risk of developing colorectal cancer increases with age, although more and more people under the age of 50 are being diagnosed with colorectal cancer.
A family history of colon polyps or colorectal cancer - however only 10-20% of those diagnosed with colorectal cancer have a family history of the disease!
Inherited conditions such as Familial Adenomatous Polyposis and Lynch Syndrome
Inflammatory bowel disease such as Crohn's disease or Ulcerative Colitis
Smoking
Obesity
Alcohol use
Diet high in fat and red meat

Screening for colorectal cancer is so important because by the time symptoms of colorectal cancer appear, the cancer is usually in an advanced stage. So, even though you may feel healthy, don't neglect to get screened!

If you experience any of the following symptoms, contact your doctor right away!

A change of bowel habits
Blood in the stool - either bright red of very dark
Diarrhea, constipation, or feeling that the bowel does not empty completely
Stools that are narrower than normal
Frequent gas pains, bloating, fullness, or cramps
Fatigue
Unexplained weight loss

Don't wait until it's too late! Get screened!

For Jaydee

2011-03-06T22:40:00.000-06:00

The other day I went back to read some of my old blog posts and the comments I received. Once again, I found myself crying, overwhelmed by the deep love and encouragement that was expressed to me over all the months of my cancer treatment. I am so grateful to each one who took the time to check on me, to pray for me, and to offer words of hope to me. I know that I would have never survived without you!

A few months ago I met a new friend through my blog. Jaydee contacted me after she was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer. She is following in my footsteps a few months behind me in her journey. We have become friends, and I am honored to be one who can encourage and support her as she fights this common enemy. Tomorrow morning Jaydee will begin the first of eight IV chemotherapy treatments. She will be receiving all the same drugs that I received, and will most likely experience many of the same side effects that I experienced. It is my prayer that her treatment will have the same results as well - No evidence of disease!!

Will you please join me in praying Jaydee through these next few months of treatment? Please pray for courage, strength, endurance, and peace. Please pray for minimal side effects. Please pray for no complications from treatment. Please pray for her husband and children as they continue to walk this path alongside her. And, or course, please pray for the complete destruction of any remaining cancer cells in her body.

If you would like to encourage Jaydee, like you did me, you can visit her CaringBridge site at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaydeebegg

Jaydee, today at Community of Faith we sang a new song by Chris Tomlin (written by Louie Giglio, Matt Maher, and Chris Tomlin) from his new album, "And If Our God is For Us". As I sang, I prayed for you. I hope these lyrics help bring peace and hope to you.

I Lift My Hands

by Chris Tomlin

Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms are a fortress for the weak

Let faith arise, Let faith arise

Open my eyes, Open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember

You are faithful, God forever

Be still, there is a river

That flows from Calvary's tree

A fountain for the thirsty

Pure grace that washes over me

So let faith arise, Let faith arise

Open my eyes, Open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember

You are faithful, God

You are faithful, God, forever

I am praying for you, and I know my sweet friends are praying for you too. Let His grace wash over you. He is faithful!

The Truth About Colorectal Cancer

2011-03-04T14:37:00.000-06:00

This information comes from the Colorectal Cancer Coalition:

Colorectal cancer is the third most commonly diagnosed cancer and the second most common cause of cancer deaths for men and women in the United States.

Colorectal cancer affects men and women equally.

Every 3.7 minutes, someone is diagnosed with colorectal cancer and every 10 minutes someone dies from colorectal cancer.

The vast majority of colon cancer deaths can be prevented through proper screening and early detection.

Every 5 seconds someone who should be screened for colorectal cancer is not.

The survival rate of individuals who have colorectal cancer is 91 percent when detected in the early stages.

Of the 51,370 people expected to die of colorectal cancers in 2011, early detection could save more than half.

Only 39 percent of colorectal cancer patients have their cancers detected at an early stage.

Regular colorectal cancer screening has been ranked as one of the most cost effective screening interventions available, with the potential to save 40,000 lives a year.

If the majority of people in the United States age 50 or older were screened regularly for colorectal cancer, the death rate from this disease could plummet by up to 70 percent.

Greater awareness of this cancer and the means to prevent it could save the lives of tens of thousands of people in the United States each year.

Colorectal cancer is preventable, treatable, and beatable in most cases.

Get screened!

Thank you Governor Perry!

2011-03-03T14:08:00.000-06:00

March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness month. Organizations across the country work to raise awareness of the need for prevention and early detection of colorectal cancer, encouraging screening, and advocating for research funds, and legislation related to research and screening.

Having a close personal relationship with colorectal cancer, I have felt a strong desire to help make sure that other people don't have to go through this experience. I want to get the news out there that colorectal cancer is preventable and it's treatable; and that early detection is the key to long-term survival.

With that in mind, I decided to contact our local and state officials and ask them to proclaim March 2011 as Colorectal Cancer Awareness month in the state of Texas and in the city of Houston. I contacted Governor Rick Perry and Mayor Annise Parker, as well as local Harris County officials. I didn't really expect anything to come of it, but I thought I would do my part to try to raise awareness in my community.

Imagine my surprise last week when I checked the mailbox and found a large envelope from the Governor's office! Governor Perry responded to my request and on February 14th he officially proclaimed March 2011 to be Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month in the great state of Texas! I was so excited to see the results of my advocacy and proud to know that I had a part in making it happen!

Then two days later I received a phone call from the office of the Mayor of Houston. Mayor Parker received my request and officially proclaimed March 2011 to be Colorectal Cancer Awareness month in the city of Houston! Wow! Houston is the fourth largest city in the United States and our city officials recognize the importance of raising awareness about prevention and screening for colorectal cancer!

Thank you, Governor Perry! Thank you, Mayor Parker!

Please join me in getting the word out!

Colorectal cancer is preventable, treatable, beatable!

Get screened!

Abundant Life

2011-02-20T07:03:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been reading the Bible and come across a verse you’ve read a thousand times, but for some reason this time, God showed you something you’d never seen before? I had that experience last week.

I was reading in the book of John, in a different translation that I normally use, and came across John 10:10. I’d read it a thousand times before:

“I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

In the past, every time I’d read that verse I got stuck on the second half where it talks about abundant life. I wanted to know what abundant life is, do I have it, how do I get it… and every lesson I’d ever heard or read on that verse discussed the same thing.

But last week when I read it, it hit me. And I hope I am able to explain it the way that God showed it to me that day. That verse is telling me what abundant life is and it’s this: “I am come…”

The fact that Jesus is here – that’s what abundant life is! It’s his presence in my life. It’s not something else that I need to acquire, or something else I need to find or earn, or somehow get a hold of. It’s the presence of Jesus in my life – automatically I have abundant life. It’s Him!

All throughout Scripture God uses the expression “I am” to describe himself. It means something that is happening in this present moment. He says I am the bread of life, I am the light of the world, I am the resurrection and the life, I am the way, the truth, the life, I am love, I am peace, I am strength, I am hope, I am… He becomes whatever we need in this present moment. That’s the nature of who God is.

Jesus uses this same phrase here – “I am come…”

I am here, so you already have abundant life. You have everything you need. Abundant life is the opposite of overwhelming life. God was telling me to open my eyes and see that I already have it. We have abundant life now, in the midst of whatever we are going through. If we have asked Christ to come into our lives and to take over, to forgive us, and to save us – we have him. That’s everything. There is nothing more I could ever possibly need because everything is met in his presence.

Think back for a minute when you were a kid in school. The atmosphere in the classroom was a certain way when the teacher was in the room and probably a different way when the teacher was out of the room, right? The teacher’s presence made a difference in the classroom, hopefully! But what happened in that classroom when the Principal walked into the room. Everything changed, right? Even if he just stood in the back of the room, didn’t say a word, his presence changed everything. There was a power to his presence. Everything quieted down, every chaotic word or action fell into line, peace and order settled over the room. The Principal, by the authority of his position, was in complete control of the classroom. Nothing was going to happen that he wasn’t aware of or in charge of.

That’s what this verse in John 10 is saying. I am come… my presence in your life brings infinite love, and infinite power, and infinite wisdom, it brings peace, it brings rest, it brings hope, it brings order.

Consciousness of God’s presence is abundant life. I need to constantly be aware of His presence with me. He is in my life. And here’s the thing: God doesn’t get overwhelmed!

The word abundantly, is a Greek word that was used in the marketplace. It was a mathematical word meaning to have a surplus. When you have a surplus it means that you have more than you need. More than you required, or more than you ordered. You have enough to meet your need and then some. Think about the implications of that for a minute.

Let’s reword that verse from John chapter 10. This is my translation:

“Today, my presence is your life, ruling in your world, and I provide exactly what you need, and even more than you ordered.”

If I am operating based on that truth, I will not be overwhelmed. I can’t be overwhelmed. God can’t be overwhelmed.

And what do you do with surplus? When we have surplus anything we normally give it away. Think about the army surplus store. They are selling the extra supplies that they don’t need. If I have extra cheesecake, I’m going to offer some to you. I don’t need it. I can’t eat it all. If I have surplus I’m going to give it away.

That’s what God wants me to do. As he meets my need, provides what I ask for, then I give the rest out to someone else. If I have prayed for peace this week, God gives me what I need and more because he wants me to take that peace and give it away. Maybe I asked for patience, I can be sure he will give me opportunities to give patience away. Maybe I'm feeling insecure this week, God says, know that my presence is with you; you are secure, now go out and encourage someone else. Give it away.

Recognize his presence in your life, and share it. That’s the path to abundant life.

January 26, 2011

2011-02-11T11:05:00.000-06:00

Dear David, Sydneyann, Sarah, and Ashley,

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how much your encouragement, love, and support meant to me all through my cancer treatment; so that is the purpose of this letter.

I know it was probably difficult for you guys to be so far away and not have the opportunity to follow things on a daily basis. In fact one of the hardest things for me was knowing that in some weird way I had caused suffering and grief for my family.

As I faced decisions about my treatment and my future, the faces of my children were front and center in my mind. My choice to go forward with IV chemotherapy was based on my desire to live longer with you, and to see more of what God is going to do in your lives.

I carried your pictures with me to every radiation and chemotherapy treatment, and to every hospital stay. You guys were my inspiration. On the most difficult days, in the times when I was scared, and in the moments when I wondered if I could follow through with my treatments, I would pull your picture out of my Bible and remember – I had a purpose and a reason for enduring. You all gave me hope. The promise of more days and years with you gave me the strength I needed to persevere.

Your cards, emails, letters, texts, flowers, gifts, photos, phone calls, and visits brightened every moment.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for laughing with me and for crying with me. Thank you for playing games with me. Thank you for always looking on the positive side of things. Thank you for all the things you did to help me. Thank you for understanding when my feelings and emotions were out of whack! And thank you from the bottom of my heart for encouraging and supporting your daddy through it all.

I am so proud to be your mother and to call you my children. Each of you is so incredibly amazing! I love how you pursue your dreams. I love how you strive to make a difference in the world; and how you allow God to use you to do so.

We’ve made it through the first eighteen months. Three and a half years to go before they will declare me cancer-free. We don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that God is good and His plans for us are good. I pray you will never doubt that.

I love each of you with all my heart. Thank you for walking with me through the past eighteen months.

Love,

mom

Psalm 15

2011-01-29T13:22:00.001-06:00

Lord, who may enter your Holy Tent?
Who may live on your holy mountain?

Only those who are innocent and who do what is right.

Such people speak the truth from their hearts and do not tell lies about others.

They do no wrong to their neighbors and do not gossip.

They do not respect hateful people but honor those who honor the Lord.

They keep their promises to their neighbors, even when it hurts.

They do not charge interest on money they lend and do not take money to hurt innocent people.

Whoever does all these things will never be destroyed.

Lord, help me to be that person in 2011.

Overload

2011-01-25T21:39:00.000-06:00

The other day Ashley asked me, "Is this how life is?" referring to the overload of stressful events that we have experienced since May 2009. After careful thought, I replied, "Well, all of these things are part of life, but they don't always all happen so close together."

That conversation made me think about all the high-stress events that have happened in a few short months in our family:

I am diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer
Ashley graduates from high school
My mother falls and breaks her arm
All my life and work plans are put on hold
I begin radiation and oral chemotherapy
Ashley moves away to college out of state
I have major abdominal surgery
I learn to live with an ileostomy
My grandmother passes away
I begin IV chemotherapy
Sarah graduates from college
I bury 8 friends who die from cancer
I have major abdominal surgery again
We lose two great friends who worked with us
We move Ashley from Norman to Austin
We move Sarah from Norman to Tulsa
Mark's mother is diagnosed with cancer
Mark's mother has surgery
Mark's mother has a stroke and spends 2 weeks in ICU
Mark's dad spends 24 hours in the hospital
Mark spends 24 hours in the hospital
We move Ashley back to Norman
Our dog, Biscuit, passes away
Everyone I know is diagnosed with cancer, or at least it seems that way!

All of that on top of the ordinary stresses of life and ministry... No wonder I am feeling a little out of sorts!

At my last appointment with the oncologist, he asked how I was feeling. I told him that physically, I feel great; but emotionally, I am struggling. He assured me that this is normal. He said that this is the time frame when many cancer survivors experience a lot of tears. He said that I am suffering from "post traumatic stress." No surprise there! He also told me that it's OK not to be OK right now. Somehow those words bring relief to me - I'm right where I am expected to be.

Post Traumatic Stress: "A common anxiety disorder that develops after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened."

I have read that because we have better treatments for many cancers now, more patients go on to live many years post treatment. While this is good news, it has also led to an increase in the number of cancer survivors experiencing post-traumatic stress and anxiety disorders. It has been reported that up to 32% of people will develop post-traumatic stress as a result of cancer diagnosis and treatment.

For me, it has led to moments of high anxiety where my body is physically shaking, days when I am very easily overwhelmed by life, feelings of anger that appear out of nowhere, and a heaviness that weighs on my heart from time to time.

I read these words this week:

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

I am reminded to reach deep, to soak in Him, to let his living water refresh me. I can never be overwhelmed - He is with me. He can't be overwhelmed.

Once again, His peace fills my soul, and I keep moving forward.

New Pastime

2011-01-21T12:04:00.000-06:00

Cancer produces a lot of side effects, and cancer treatment produces even more. Most of the side effects are short lasting or limited by the duration of treatment. However, there are some that are long term and require adjustments to be made as you live with them.

One of the most frustrating long term side effects for me has been the loss of short term memory. I recently read the following on my oncologist's website:

"Research has demonstrated that chemotherapy can have a negative impact on cognitive functioning. Long-term (5-year) cancer survivors who had received chemotherapy scored significantly lower on neuropsychologic tests, particularly in the area of verbal memory, compared with those treated with local therapy only (i.e. surgery). The patients who received chemotherapy also reported greater problems with working memory and were more likely to score among the lowest on the Neuropsychological Performance Index. Furthermore, some survivors may experience long-term cognitive deficits associated with systemic chemotherapy."

Not very encouraging. And on top of that, researchers are not really sure the actual cause of the memory loss and therefore have no helpful ways to treat it!

I recently asked my oncologist if there was anything I could do to help with the memory loss. He looked at me with his familiar shy smile and said, "I usually hand my patients a pad and a pen... but you are young, you can most likely re-train your brain." (I feel hopeful...) He recommended a trip to Target to pick up my new favorite pastime...

Doctor's Orders: Play the Memory Game twice a day. Every day. This will help re-train the neurons responsible for short term memory. In the meantime, write everything down!

Things I have learned in dealing with memory loss:

1. Yes, Mark already told you that... you just didn't remember.

2. Make a list of the Christmas gifts you receive because you won't remember what you received or who you received it from when you sit down to write thank you notes.

3. No, you won't remember, even when you think "I'll remember this", write it down!!

4. When a "good idea" comes to you, write it down immediately. Good ideas are fleeting and they may not come back!

5. When speaking, always have notes... you won't remember what you were planning to say.

6. .... oops... sorry, I forgot what #6 was...

"Normal Colon"

2011-01-12T08:41:00.000-06:00

If you've ever had a colonoscopy, the words "Normal Colon" sound pretty good coming from your doctor after the procedure is finished. If you've ever had colorectal cancer, the words "Normal Colon" following a colonoscopy are nothing short of a miracle!!

Many of you have been praying for my friends, John and Ellen, throughout John's battle with colon cancer. Yesterday, following a colonoscopy, those were the words the doctor said! He told them that the site of the original tumor is barely visible any more! There may be a few abnormal cells in the area, but visual exam of the site looks "normal"!! The power of two words - normal colon - can bring such joy, excitement, peace, and hope!

John is still fighting metastatic tumors in his liver. He is on strong, regular chemotherapy. His spirit is strong, his attitude is positive, his belief is unwavering. He is dealing with the many uncomfortable side-effects of his treatment with grace.

Thank you for your part in this unfolding miracle! Please continue to pray for wisdom for John's doctors, for strength and endurance for John and Ellen, and for complete healing of John's liver.

Day 1 without Biscuit - 1/4/11

2011-01-08T12:23:00.000-06:00

There is no reason to get up. No one is prancing around wanting to eat breakfast and go outside. No one impatiently waiting for me. There is no one to eat Demitri’s left-over food, or at least try to! There is no puppy to sit beside me on the couch as I journal and pray. Everywhere I turn I miss him. I keep looking for him in his kennel, but it’s empty. The house is so quiet, no barking, no “old man” moaning, no clicking of his nails on the tile floor. His water bowl still sits in the bathroom. Sometimes I think I see him walk by. I feel like my heart will burst with sadness. I put his food bowl in the dishwasher… remembering how he wouldn’t eat yesterday morning, and how he licked Ashley’s soup bowl the night before. Life is no good without him. If I could have just held on to him for one more day… Biscuit’s pill bottle is sitting in the kitchen - the medicine that couldn’t save him. His reindeer toy is on the kitchen floor. I hug it to my chest. What do I do with all his things? His bed is no longer beside mine. I finally fall asleep holding Biscuit's sweater close to my broken heart.

2011-01-05T17:21:00.000-06:00

Biscuit Shook

World's Greatest Dog

July 1, 1996 - January 3, 2011

Sorrow fills a barren space; 
you close your eyes and see my face 
and think of times I made you laugh,
the love we shared, the bond we had,  
the special way I needed you -  
the friendship shared by just we two.

The day's too quiet, the world seems older, 

the wind blows now a little colder. 
You gaze into the empty air 
and look for me, but I'm not there...
- by Caro Schubert-James -

"The one best place to bury a good  dog is in the heart of his master."

Ben Hur Lampman --- from the Portland Oregonian Sept. 11, 1925

Twisted Thoughts

2010-12-28T20:06:00.000-06:00

Overcoming a life-threatening illness that has the potential to return, kind of twists your thinking... at least it has mine. Here is how some of my thoughts go:

"This cancer has the potential to return.
If it returns it will be in my liver or my lungs.
If it returns it will be worse.
I will be more sick.
I will lose more weight.
So...
I better hang onto the weight I have.
Maybe I should gain a little extra.
Just in case..."

Then one day I wake up and none of my clothes fit. They are too tight. I have gained back all the weight I lost during treatment, plus some. I share this with Mark, who says to me, "It might be time to quit the 'support package.'"

I laugh so hard at his comment, and I laugh at myself, at my silly thoughts. I guess it IS time to do away with the "support package" and get back on the treadmill!

The Butterfly

2010-12-27T19:04:00.001-06:00

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...
...it became a butterfly."

Another Mighty Warrior

2010-12-26T13:29:00.001-06:00

Another mighty warrior finishes well...

Brandon was 24 when he was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. When I first met him, he was a tall, strong, strapping young man. In spite of his imposing form, he had a kindness to his eyes that opened the door to his heart. He played basketball for his university. He came into Mark's office with courage and confidence, asking us to join him in praying for God's healing.

Brandon was 24 when he took his last breath. The battle was short and intense. He proved himself to be one of God's elite warriors. His faith never wavered. A few days before he died, he called for Mark and me to come to his bedside. He was in constant pain due to the damage to his nerves. We weren't able to hold his hands or hug him because it hurt him. He could barely hear because his auditory nerve was damaged by the cancer. As he lay bravely in that bed, he said to Mark, "Tell me more about ruling and reigning with Christ. I've been thinking about that a lot." Fighting tears, Mark told him, again, how God was preparing him for eternity. Brandon said he was ready.

Please pray for Brandon's parents, Sherri and Fred, and for his family and friends as they grieve his loss. Please pray for Mark as he performs the funeral on Tuesday. Pray that the words he says will bring honor to Brandon and his family, and glory to God, who carried Brandon every step of the way.

"You did well. You are a good and loyal servant. Because you were loyal with small things, I will let you care for much greater things. Come and share my joy with me." Matthew 25:21

"It's been an honor to fight beside so noble a warrior and a great friend."

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

by C.S. Lewis

Miracles, Gratitude, and Love

2010-12-23T14:44:00.001-06:00

I was reminded yesterday of what God has done for me over the past year and a half....

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday afternoon. This appointment was not in any way related to my cancer follow-up, just a regular exam to check the status of my poor functioning thyroid gland. My endocrinologist is an amazing lady and a sweet friend. She was asking me questions about my health now, post cancer treatment. I answered each question, telling of my clear PET scans, and how well I am feeling.

Suddenly, she stopped typing on her computer, looked up at my face with a look of joy, and said, "You DO recognize what a miracle this is? From where you were to where you are now? You know, right?"

I was a little surprised to hear her say it. Most doctors don't want to admit to you how serious your cancer diagnosis is. They want you to maintain a sense of hope and a fighting spirit in the face of difficult odds. She confirmed what I'd known all along: my life hung in the balance, in a scary place; and God performed a miracle for me! My heart was flooded with a renewed sense of gratitude. God has been good to me! I felt like I was walking on clouds the rest of the day!

Through the last few days, as we have been encouraging my mother-in-law in her recovery from a stroke, God has reminded me of a few of the things he taught me during my battle with cancer:

Every day is a gift, live it fully!
Every moment is an opportunity to cling tightly to Him.
Don't pass up a chance to tell those you love how special they are to you.
Be ready. You never know what the future holds.

Life is unpredictable. Pain is inevitable. But even in the midst of difficult days, God's love and faithfulness shine brightly! Don't miss Him this Christmas!

Update on Jackie:

Mark, the kids and I spent the evening with Jackie yesterday. I was surprised at the progress she has made even in just a few days. She is participating in about three hours of rehabilitation activities each day. She gets dressed each day. She has been walking in the hallways with a walker. She is getting in and out of bed and chairs with help. We enjoyed singing Christmas carols with her last night! Yesterday was Damon and Jackie's 53rd anniversary! Damon brought Jackie a lemon pie (her favorite!) from R.J. Goodies. What an incredible example of love and faithfulness they are to all of their kids, grandkids, and everyone who has had the honor to know them.

Solitary Road

2010-12-21T21:47:00.000-06:00

Sunday, December 12th, I am walking down the hospital corridor and I have to laugh... after all my hospital and doctor visits, then Mark's mother's surgery, then two weeks with her in ICU, then my father-in-law spent 24 hours in the hospital, and now - here I am again! I just checked Mark into the hospital through the emergency room. What else could possibly happen?! Everyone here at least knows our faces if not our names. I am thinking we should just keep a room on hold for the next time we need it!

Thankfully, this turns out to be just another 24 hours at the hospital. Mark's heart checks out fine. I'm pretty sure it's stress. We make it home on Monday afternoon and I collapse on the bed, exhausted. I didn't realize how worried I had really been.

At this point I begin to question, "God, are you sure you know what you're doing? I know you said you wouldn't give me more than I can handle, but I sure feel like I am at the limit."

There are days when I find myself still struggling. And then I find myself angry that I am still struggling. It seems like I should be able to pick up where I left off and go on with my life. But somehow things are different now. The path is unfamiliar and my steps are tentative.

I read the following quote from Elizabeth Edwards this week: "The act of looking forward after a setback is a solitary act...It is a gift, but also a learned skill..."

It describes perfectly how I feel - on a solitary road, learning a new skill, trying to recognize this as a gift from a God who knows perfectly what I need.

"I love you too"

2010-12-05T19:55:00.000-06:00

I bent over and kissed Jackie on the cheek. It was as soft as always. I whispered to her, "I love you. I'll see you tomorrow." And she said back to me, "I love you too."

I drove home from the hospital, after a long weekend, with happiness in my heart. Happy that Jackie continues to improve a little each day. Happy that she is engaging in conversations, happy that she still has her sense of humor. Happy that she is opening her eyes more, happy that she is eating. Happy that I still have more time with my sweet mother-in-law.

If all goes according to plan, Jackie will be moved to a rehab facility sometime this week where she will receive intense physical and occupational rehabilitation. She will spend about three weeks there, and then she will be re-evaluated to see what her needs are at that point.

Damon is doing well. He is adjusting to the idea that recovery will be a long process. All of us are encouraged and hopeful that Jackie is going to do great as she works hard to get well.

Thank you for all your prayers on our behalf. "I love you too!"

Progress

2010-12-01T21:22:00.000-06:00

Jackie had another good day. When I got to the hospital today she was already up and sitting in a chair. She was talking a lot and laughing. She even told us that she was hungry and that a steak and baked potato sounded good! They have removed the pressure monitor from her brain. Her vital signs are all normal.

The neurologist came by while we were there. She said that Jackie is doing well. She told us that it is still important for her to rest and not to be overstimulated. Her brain needs quiet so that it can heal. She said that Jackie's body will naturally try to "cocoon" and keep from being overstimulated; explaining why she maintains her eyes closed. Although we all try to keep her still and quiet, no one seems to be able to keep her from talking!

Mentally, she is very coherent. Physically, she is tired and struggles with balance, but has strength in her arms and legs. Emotionally, she is calm. She recognizes that she had a stroke and can even remember what happened that night. She told Mark that she is not afraid. Spiritually, she is at rest, trusting that God is taking care of her. She is grateful for so many who are praying for her.

We know healing will be a long, slow process, but we are encouraged by her progress. She is surprising all her doctors with how quickly she is improving.

Hopefully, she will be able to move out of the intensive care unit into a regular room within the next couple of days.

Thank you, again, for all your calls, emails, texts, thoughts and prayers! We are surrounded by the best family and friends ever!

Monday Morning

2010-11-29T15:43:00.000-06:00

Jackie continues to make progress! This morning they took her off sedation and removed the ventilator. Before the procedure, Mark, Damon and I were telling her what they were going to do, and told her that she needed to try to be calm and not fight against the medical staff. We knew it would be scary, but it would be a quick procedure and would go better if she would cooperate. Then Mark asked his mom, "Are you going to be calm and cooperate?" Jackie shook her head "No." Then Damon asked her, "Are you going to be stubborn?" Jackie nodded her head, "Yes!" We all laughed out loud! That's the Gran Gran we all know and love!

The ventilator was removed without any problems. Her heart rate is up in the 50's. Today's CT scan showed decreased swelling in her brain. The goal is to have her rest quietly today with little stimulation, allowing her brain to heal. Tomorrow she should be more alert and they plan to begin physical therapy.

This afternoon, she was shaking her finger at Damon. The nurse asked her what was wrong. Damon said, "She always tells me what to do." And Jackie spoke out loud, "I do that."

That strength of spirit is serving her well! She knows that thousands of people are praying for her. Thank you for your part in this miracle!

Thank you for praying!

2010-11-27T22:04:00.000-06:00

Jackie had a good day today. Her condition is stable. Her heart rate has remained in the 40's and 50's. She is still sedated, but when they bring her up from sedation, she is able to answer questions appropriately by nodding her head and squeezing our hands. She is receiving very good care. The doctors plan to wean her off the ventilator on Monday to see how it goes. Damon spends the days at the hospital and goes home at night to sleep. We have all been surrounded by family and friends. Thank you for your prayers, and please keep praying. Specifically, please pray for the following:

1. Pray for Jackie's blood pressure and heart rate to be within a normal range.
2. Pray for the pressure inside her skull to remain normal.
3. Pray that her body would quickly reabsorb the blood that leaked into her brain tissue.
4. Pray for protection from infection for Jackie.
5. Pray that Damon will be able to sleep well at night.
6. Pray for peace and strength for the whole family.

Thank you!

ICU Waiting Room Rules of Etiquette

2010-11-27T15:14:00.000-06:00

Well, after spending many hours in the ICU waiting room, the girls and I have come up with a suggested list of ICU Waiting Room Rules of Etiquette. Hopefully, you will never have the need for such a list, but if you do, here are a few things you should remember:

1. No children under 12.
Please leave your babies and toddlers at home. They are noisy and increase the stress level in a room that is full of stressed people. And children carry lots of germs. No one in ICU can risk being exposed to those germs.
2. No battery operated toys allowed.
Obviously, this is related to #1 above. I was tempted to grab a certain pink toy (from the father, no less!), stomp on it, and throw it down the hallway. If you must play with noisy toys, go to the main lobby of the hospital.
3. No clipping of fingernails in the waiting room.
I think this speaks for itself.
4. Do not use your cell phone on the "speaker phone" setting.
I mean, seriously? Do you think we want to hear your conversations??!!
5. Please throw your garbage away.
I shouldn't have to say this to adults, but apparently there is a need to be reminded.
6. If you can't eat without spilling crumbs on the floor, clean them up.
There is no one on call to clean up after you. Please be considerate of others who will sit in that seat after you.
7. If you have to listen to music, use head phones.
Not everyone shares your taste in music.

This list is not all-inclusive. I'm sure many of you could add to it. When in doubt, remember what your mother taught you: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Unexpected Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T10:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, after a long night and anxious morning, our son David said, "Well, I hate that Gran Gran is in the hospital, but in a weird way, it was nice to wake up on Thanksgiving morning praying." Such true words spoken from the heart of a boy who loves his grandmother dearly.

Thanksgiving didn't quite turn out as we expected. We enjoyed our annual vegetarian meal, prepared by our kids, on Wednesday evening. They invited Mark's parents to join us, knowing that Jackie loves all things vegetarian. We enjoyed the evening together talking, playing games (please note, the girls won every time!), and making a Shook family music video which is now circulating the world in cyberspace. We finally called it a night around midnight.

3:50 a.m. the phone rang. When I answered, Mark's dad, Damon, told me that he had just called an ambulance for Jackie. She had a severe headache and was vomiting uncontrollably. Mark raced to their house, encountered the ambulance on the way, and led them there. Her blood pressure was off the charts, and she was rushed to the nearest emergency room. A CT scan revealed a small bleed in the back of her brain due to her blood pressure.

I finally woke the kids up at 5:30 a.m. to have them pray for their Gran Gran. Of course, no one slept after that news.

Jackie was admitted to the ICU. She had an inter-cranial pressure gauge inserted yesterday to monitor the pressure on her brain. The bleed is very close to her brain stem. Increased pressure on the brain stem could cause her body to stop breathing on its own; so, she was placed on a ventilator as a precaution. The 3p.m. CT scan yesterday showed no change, which is good. Hopefully that means the bleeding has stopped. We are awaiting the results of the 5a.m. CT scan today. For now, she is in a medically induced sleep to allow her brain to rest and heal, her blood pressure is under control, the pressure in her skull is at an acceptable level, and her vital signs are stable. The next 72 hours are critical.

Thank you for your prayers for Jackie. Please pray for complete healing with no residual neurological effects, protection from infection, and for peace and strength for Jackie, Damon, and all the family.

"Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Proverbs 31:28-30

My Life

2010-11-23T18:58:00.001-06:00

The past ten days I've been busy working, planning, studying, shopping, running from one event to another, hosting friends, eating, laughing, and hanging out with family. I am completely exhausted, and completely content.

I was driving home the other day, tired all over, looking forward to climbing into my bed and putting the pillow over my head, when it hit me -

These have been the busiest ten days I've had in the past eighteen months...

Do you know what that means?

My life is back to normal... I am not sick... This was my prayer for so many months ("I just want my life to go back to normal")... and my faithful God has given me what I dreamed of -- again!

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving! It overwhelms me just to think about it all! I couldn't even begin to write it all out...

So, hopefully, these pictures from the past ten days tell a small part of the story!

Inspire Women Luncheon with Teri and Gretchen

COF Texan Tailgate 2010 with Mark

and with my personal security detail... LOL!

Hangin' out with the Yerkes twins, this is Miss Paige!

HBU Spirit of Excellence Banquet with Teri and President Bush!

Dinner with our missionary staff including Katrina, me, and Carina

Serve the World Celebration Weekend!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me abundant life in 2010!

Reflections

2010-11-17T15:50:00.001-06:00

"For we are His workmanship,

created in Christ Jesus for good works,

which God prepared beforehand

so that we would walk in them."

Ephesians 2:10

The word translated "workmanship" in Greek is “poeima”. It’s the word for poem. "We are his poem." I like that. Our son, David, is a published poet. I’m saying that here not just because I’m proud of him; but also because having a poet in the family has helped me to understand this verse a little more clearly.

I have watched how David writes. He has ideas and thoughts in his mind, and it is almost as if they are alive in him. He has to write them down. And then he agonizes over the poem, crafting it just the way he wants it to be. He works for a while and then comes back to it later to rewrite a certain phrase or to change a word. He spends unbelievable amounts of time creating the poem to be exactly as he envisioned, so that it will express what is in his heart and mind, until finally it is finished. Then the poem is sent to the publisher and put on display.

I think that is what Paul is telling us in Ephesians. We are God's masterpiece, his workmanship, his poem. He is working in our lives to craft us to be exactly as he envisioned so that we will express what is in his heart and mind. He wants to display us to the world - as beautifully perfected masterpieces - each of us a demonstration of His power, his love, his character, his peace, his life. "We are his poem."

There are times when David sends me a poem to ask my opinion, and honestly, sometimes I don’t understand them. I don’t get what he is trying to express, it is confusing to me. But that doesn’t make it any less of a masterpiece, any less of a poem. It just means that my human brain can’t understand it all. And the same is true of my life. God is working a masterpiece, I might not always understand, but I can rest in the fact that He knows, He has a plan, and he is creating exactly what he desires in my life so that I will be a reflection of Him.

God, please let me be an accurate reflection of you today!

"See you in three months"

2010-11-10T18:43:00.000-06:00

I have a new book: Finding Your Way Through Cancer by Andrew Kneier. It was just recently published and recommended to me by a very sweet friend. The author is a psychologist who has worked with cancer patients and survivors for seventeen years. The book was written out of his experience with families affected by cancer.

I have just barely started reading the book, but one of the statements I read today hit home. It was from the journal of one of Dr. Kneier's patients who was fighting stage 3 colon cancer. She said this, "I get to live three months at a time."

"Wow," I thought to myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm living three months at a time. Three months between doctor visits where I wait for someone to tell me that I'm still healthy. So far, so good. No sign of the dread disease. Then they set another appointment for me and send me on my way. "See you in three months," they say.

Initially, I feel relief, I feel joy, I feel like laughing. I race home, let my family know, and get busy with life. But over the weeks, in barely noticeable increments, the anxiety starts to return. And as the end of that three months gets closer, I find myself starting to wonder again, "what if..."

It sure will be nice when I can live six months at a time.

Live Strong

2010-11-05T18:14:00.000-05:00

I meet a lot of cancer survivors. They all seem to be doing well - big smiling faces, busy lives, no complaints. Every once in a while, one of them will quietly ask me, "How are you doing?" with concern in their eyes, as if they know there is more to this recovery process than anyone lets on. And I would have to agree...

Yes, I feel good. Yes, I am doing great. Yes, I am so thankful to be back to a "normal" life (whatever that means!). But apparently, when you are faced with the truth of your own mortality, it has a deep impact on your psyche. At least it has on mine.

So God and I have been discussing these issues. Daily serious discussions like this:

Me: "What is wrong with me?"
Me: "Why can't I get over this?"
Me: "Why am I still thinking about this?"
Me: "Why do I feel this way?"
Me: "Why do I feel so insecure?"
Me: "I hate this."
God: (silence)

And so I persist, like He tells me to, in prayer. Asking for His wisdom. Waiting for his answers.

Slowly, I begin to move forward. I have (almost) whole days where I never even think about cancer, or at least not until the end of the day. And as the days pass, God begins to speak.

He reminds me that I am grieving, and grief is good. It is a healing process. It takes time. We all process grief differently, at different rates and in different ways. So, I stop comparing myself to other cancer survivors. This is not, after all, a cancer survivor competition.

I realize that my insecurity is a grief reaction. I am afraid to go out and live my life strong because I am afraid that if I do, I might get slammed again, just like I did with the initial cancer diagnosis. It helps to see it for what it is. I am reminded of a book I read many years ago called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway." So, I decide to feel the fear and go ahead and live strong.

I am naturally a homebody. I love to travel, but when I am home I like to be at home. I don't have to go out and do things to be happy. I am happy at home. But over the last several weeks I have felt myself staying especially close to home. I have to force myself to get out every once in awhile just to go to the grocery store or run errands. Just this week I realized that this increasing need to hibernate is also a grief reaction. The world doesn't feel safe to me anymore. And so I hide away, trying to stay safe. It's funny how the mind works!

Today, I had the privilege of hearing Kay Warren speak (she was awesome) and Nicole C. Mullins sing; and God's truth came flooding into my heart again:

"The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know, my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know My Redeemer lives"
(My Redeemer Lives by Nicole C. Mullins)

And God speaks:

God: "I am still here with you."
God: "You are doing great!"
God: "Keep walking with Me. Live strong."
Me: "Thank you. I will."

"Those who want to save their lives will give up true life,

and those who give up their lives for me will have true life."

Matthew 16:25

Conversations... Part 2

2010-11-01T15:45:00.003-05:00

A man walks up, his face twisted with grief, and says,
"My dad died of colon cancer."
He hangs his head and walks out the door.
(Spoken to me the day we announced my cancer to the church.)

"It wasn't the cancer that killed him, it was the chemotherapy."
(Spoken to me the day before I started chemotherapy.)

"I've seen corpses that look better than you."
(Seriously, someone said this out loud to a friend of mine who is fighting cancer!)

"You look tired."
(Seems like an innocent statement. But please know that cancer patients are aware of how they look. They spend a lot of time trying not to look sick, but eventually, there is no hiding it. Please don't remind us. Unless you have a very close relationship with someone, don't make this statement.)

In the words of my mother (and probably yours too):

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

"Words kill, words give life;

they're either poison or fruit—

you choose."

Proverbs 18:21

Today's Surgery

2010-10-28T18:24:00.000-05:00

Jackie's surgery went well today. She is resting comfortably and will probably be in the hospital for a couple of days. The tumor was larger than the doctor anticipated, but he believes that he was able to remove it all. Thank you to all who have been praying! Please pray now for pain relief and for a quick recovery! Thank you!

Conversations...

2010-10-23T08:03:00.000-05:00

Him: "You better not die. If you die, I'll kill you!"
Her: "Oh, I'm not dying! I fought way too hard to live!"

Her: "I feel like I'm falling apart."
Him: "Let's give it two years, two years to recover. And I'm just glad I have you for two years."

Her: "I feel really insecure. I feel weak. And it's so frustrating because I felt so strong before all of this.
Him: "You are so incredibly strong, you just can't see it right now. When you come out the other side you are going to be amazed at what God has done!"

Her: "I feel like I've let you down. I feel like I'm a burden to you."
Him: "You have never failed me. You are not a burden. You are the love of my life."

"Love... always protects, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13

Update on Jackie

2010-10-22T08:55:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update on my mother-in-law, Jackie...

Her PET scan showed that the cancer is confined to her thyroid gland. There is no lymph node involvement, and it has not metastasized to her lungs. All good news!

Her surgery is scheduled for next Thursday, October 28th, at 7:30 a.m., followed by a radioactive iodine treatment two weeks later.

Please continue to pray for her complete healing, for successful surgery without complications, for the iodine treatment to kill any micro metastases, and for God's supernatural peace to be all over her and her family.

Thank you!

Gran Gran and (almost) all of her grandkids!

Go Gently

2010-10-18T15:01:00.002-05:00

"Go gently through this day, keeping your eyes on me."

Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

I remember when our kids were little trying to teach them the meaning of the word "gentle". Any time they would be around babies, younger children, or around animals I would instruct them to "be gentle" or "touch gently". The idea was to keep them, whether by enthusiasm or ignorance, from causing harm to others. I didn't want them to frighten young children by running over them, to harm babies by squashing them, or to overdo it when loving animals. It was something I found that had to be taught to excited, adventurous toddlers.

I remember once when David was two years old and Sarah was three months old, not knowing exactly how to play with his new baby sister, David decided to sit on her like a horse! I heard lots of squealing and laughter, came around the corner to find him seated on Sarah's belly. Of course I panicked, screamed, and caused everyone else to start crying! David didn't realize the harm he could have caused his baby sister, Sarah was too small to defend herself as she struggled to breath, and I just exacerbated the situation by frightening everyone involved. This was the beginning of the life lessons in gentleness!

Today, I read the quote above in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and it just seemed to stick with me. How often do I go gently into my day? Have I EVER gone gently into a new day? I guess in all those life lessons, I never applied the idea of gentleness to myself. So many times I "go crashing" through the day or I "go racing" through the day. Sometimes I hurt other people because I forget to go gently. Sometimes I miss God completely because I forget to slow down and focus my eyes and thoughts on Him.

God reminded me today to "go gently". Gentleness isn't just a lesson for toddlers. It's a better way to live.

"Blessed are those who are gentle.

They will inherit the earth"

Matthew 5:5

"Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me.

I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest."

Matthew 11:29

"But the wisdom that comes from above leads us to be pure, friendly,
gentle, sensible, kind, helpful, genuine, and sincere."

James 3:17

Home Again...

2010-10-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

Mark, John, Ellen, & Laura

For the past six months, many of you have been praying for my friends, John and Ellen. John was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer in April and they came to Houston to get treatment. Thank you so much for praying! I am so happy to report that John's latest PET scan showed that his cancer is now ninety percent gone! There is still a small tumor in his colon, and a few small spots on his liver, but God has worked an extreme miracle from his original PET scan to his most recent one!

Today, these sweet friends have loaded up their truck and are heading home to Georgia. They will get home just in time to enjoy autumn's cool breezes and beautiful foliage! John's care will be administered by a doctor in Georgia who is working under the direction of his oncologist here in Houston. He has already endured twelve chemo treatments and he has at least six more months of treatments to go. John is a fighter. He is an optimist, always seeing the positive in any situation. But he is going to need your continued prayers as he settles in at home, establishes a good relationship with his medical team in Georgia, and as he perseveres through his treatment.

Thank you for being a part of this miracle!

John and Ellen, your Texas family loves you and will continue to stand with you in this fight!

"It is right that I should feel as I do about you, for you have a very special place in my heart. We have shared together the blessing of God..." Philippians 1:7

And some not-so-good news...

2010-10-07T17:40:00.000-05:00

Mark's mother, Jackie, recently had a complete physical. She has had a goiter on her neck for a little while and the doctor decided to do a biopsy of the lump just to rule out cancer. Less than 1% of nodules on the thyroid prove to be cancerous so no one was too worried. The biopsy was done last week and on Thursday evening the surgeon called.

Diagnosis: Papillary Thyroid carcinoma.

Reaction: Shock. How can this be happening? Shook family cancer, round 2.

Action: Call the oncologist's office.

Monday morning I called my oncologist's office. My doctor is going out of town for two weeks on Thursday and I desperately wanted to get an appointment for Jackie before he leaves. Miraculously (in answer to very fervent real-time prayers), the physician's assistant answered my call on the first ring. I explained to her what has happened and she told me that they would see Jackie on Wednesday. Once again, I was overwhelmed by the compassion of each person on staff at my oncologist's office. Thank you, God, for these wonderful people!

Mark and I went with his parents to see the oncologist Wednesday, and it turned out to be an encouraging visit. The doctor recommended that she have surgery to remove the thyroid gland completely. This would be followed by a radioactive iodine ablation. This is done to kill off any remaining thyroid cancer cells anywhere in her body. The doctor does think that she has some metastases in her lungs, but the radioactive iodine should kill those spots too. If it doesn't kill it completely, then it will knock it down to a level that it can be treated with medication to keep it at bay. He explained that thyroid cancer is one of the most treatable and that with this treatment she can have a normal life expectancy. She is scheduled to have a PET scan on Friday afternoon. She will be making an appointment with the surgeon who was recommended to her. She also has an appointment next week to get a second opinion. Please continue to pray for wisdom for Jackie and Damon as they make important decisions, and pray for God's peace to continue to surround them and their extended family.

If you would like to send a message to Jackie, you can email me (mlshook@mail.com) and I will get it to her.

Recently I read a quote that said, "If you want to live, you have to keep moving." You know that past year and a half has been a challenge for Mark and me, as well as the recent staff changes at Community of Faith. Please pray for God's strength and wisdom as we "keep moving."

Some good news!

2010-10-06T23:02:00.000-05:00

Every so often I spend time on the internet reading about colorectal cancer. You would think I would be tired of the subject by now, but I find myself drawn to continue to learn as much as I can, hoping that somehow my knowledge will prevent recurrence! Funny how the mind works...

Dr. Ralph Berberich in his book "Hit Below the Belt" said, "Cancer is never really over unless you die, have an autopsy, and are shown to be cancer free, in which case it is of no interest to you. The passage of time simply reduces the chance of recurrence, but it never completely eliminates it."

I imagine that every cancer survivor, as some point, ponders the possibility of recurrence - How would that feel? What would I do? What would that mean? - And then you shake those thoughts from your mind and try to go on living.

Studies of people with my initial diagnosis of stage three rectal cancer have shown that there is a 51% survival rate at five years. Those odds don't really sound too positive! But just this week, on one of my regular internet cancer searches, I came across some amazing news! New research published on August 25, 2010 in the journal The Lancet Oncology has shown that patients with a diagnosis of stage three rectal cancer who show a pathological complete response to neoadjuvant radiation and chemotherapy have a 83.3% five year disease free survival rate! That may sound like complete mumbo jumbo to you, but to me, it sounds like LIFE!!! To put it in layman's terms, the study showed that people who were treated initially with radiation and oral chemotherapy whose cancer responded by dying off completely (which is my story!) have an increased five year survival rate from 51% to 83.3%!!! That's a jump of 32.3 percentage points!! That's crazy good news!! In my opinion, it might as well be 100% now! There is no chance this cancer is coming back!

As happy as this new report makes me feel, God reminds me that my life is not dependent on medical reports or even on five year cancer survival rates. All along it has been dependent on Him - on HIS plans, on HIS timetable, on HIS grace. I've been free all along! Free to live...

Sunrise

2010-10-04T15:42:00.001-05:00

I have a t-shirt that says "Cancer Sucks" in big bold letters. Every time I wear it I get one of two responses from people who see it. They either look at me really weird, or they love the shirt and ask where I got it. I don't want to offend anyone, so I am careful where I wear the shirt. But the truth is, cancer does suck. And now I am discovering that I need a new shirt, one that says "Cancer Recovery Sucks".

I felt really great right after I finished all of my treatment and surgery; so happy to be alive, so happy to be finished with treatment. Those feelings lasted for awhile, and then slowly they settled into a darker place. The interesting thing is that the more I talk to other cancer survivors, I find that I am right on track with my thoughts and feelings. They've all been here too. They've all experienced the doubts and questions, the grief and confusion, the loneliness.

I read recently that about 25% of all cancer patients and survivors suffer from depression, and up to 19% suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Those are big numbers! I'm pretty sure the same could be said of their family members too. Don't worry, I'm not there (yet!), but I think it is good to be aware that depression often comes on the heals of a great victory.

Around 6:00 a.m. today I woke up to the sound of the smoke detector chirping, alerting me that the battery needed to be replaced. I was not too happy. Monday mornings are usually my day to sleep after our long weekends at Community of Faith. I stumbled out of bed and went in search of a 9V battery in the dark. Of course, as is always the case, we didn't have any. Due to the way the system is designed, simply removing the battery will not stop the chirping. I sent Mark upstairs to sleep, but unfortunately by this time, the dog had decided that it was time for breakfast. Realizing that I was not going to get any more sleep, I got up and fed all the pets. I plopped down in the chair in the living room and stared out the window at the darkness. As I sat there, the sky began to get light and I watched a beautiful sunrise unfold. And God spoke to my heart, "I am still here with you. I will continue to walk with you. You are going to be OK."

It was such a powerful moment for me. Knowing that God woke me up, not the smoke detector! Knowing that he painted the sky specifically for me today to remind me of his presence and his faithfulness. Knowing that I am OK. My God is amazing! He is everything I need!

So, as you pray for me, for my family, and for others who are facing this disease, please pray that the dark clouds of despair will give way to a clear and constant vision of God's presence, his faithfulness, and his goodness. Thank you!

"The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world."
Psalm 19:1-4

We're so proud!

2010-09-29T04:54:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday our son, David, graduated with a master's degree from Oxford University. He was at the top of his class! Mark and I had the privilege of attending the graduation with our daughter-in-law, Sydneyann. It was an exciting day! David and the other graduates put on their gowns and hoods and then, following hundreds of years of university tradition, we all marched through the streets of Oxford to the Examination Room where the graduation took place. The ceremony itself was performed completely in Latin. It was a very formal affair with lots of bowing and hat tipping. The Vice Chancellor granted each graduate their degree. It was incredible to think of all the graduates across hundreds and hundreds of years who stood in that place before David, and to know that he stands among them. To top it off, some of David's poems are being published in the Oxford Poetry Anthology that will be released in October. We are very proud of David and very grateful that God chose us to be his parents!

David and Sydneyann

David and his proud parents!

Congratulations David! We love you very much!

Lunch with Dr. Oz!

2010-09-23T15:09:00.004-05:00

Last Friday I was invited to a VIP luncheon with Dr. Oz at the NBC studio, KPRC, in Houston. Community of Faith has partnered with KPRC in the past, and we were one of the advertisers for the first season during the Dr. Oz Show. Our KPRC contact, Marilyn, invited us to enjoy lunch with Dr. Oz and to tour their studio. My sweet friend, Becky, went with me.

The lunch was delicious! Dr. Oz was very gracious to everyone. He shared about his first season and he thanked all of his advertisers. Then he opened it up to questions from the audience. Immediately my hand shot up! I told Dr. Oz that I was a stage 3 rectal cancer survivor - the whole audience clapped for me! - and then I asked his opinion about beginning colonoscopy screening earlier than age fifty. He clearly explained the difficulty of medical screening and determining who should receive what tests and when. But in the end, he agreed with me that the colonoscopy is the best screening tool out there because it not only detects colorectal cancer but it can prevent it by the removal of polyps.

After the question and answer time, Dr. Oz autographed his new book for each of us and let us take pictures with him. I took the opportunity to tell him that he helped to save my life. His last appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show was the final encouragement I needed to follow through on my doctor appointment back in May 2009. He pulled me aside and asked me a few questions about my cancer diagnosis and journey, and then he asked me to email him my story.

We finished up our time at KPRC with a tour of the studio. It was really neat to see where the news happens!

Me and Dr. Oz

Our beautiful table!

Becky and me at the KPRC studio

The control room

Me and Becky do the news!

Thanks Dr. Oz, and Marilyn, for a super fun day!

Confirmation!

2010-09-21T17:05:00.003-05:00

I had an appointment with my oncologist on Monday (that still sounds weird, by the way, "my" oncologist... who would ever think they would have an oncologist??) I hadn't been to his office since June. It was so nice to see all the smiling faces and to receive hugs from everyone who works in his office. Mark asked me how I felt going in there, and I told him that I was just happy to be there as a "well" person and not as a "sick" person.

They weighed me, drew my blood, checked all my vital signs, and gave me a flu shot. The doctor did a thorough physical exam. And then he said to me, "Hit the road. I don't want to see you until December."

That is the third confirmation in a matter of days that I am healthy, I am healed! I feel such a profound joy, an indescribable lightness...

Later, when no one else was home, I went running, screaming, laughing, and dancing through the house! My God IS an awesome God!

"I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,
and let your glory be over all the earth."

Psalm 108:5

All Clear!

2010-09-18T22:03:00.001-05:00

Friday afternoon we received a phone call from the oncologist's office with the report of my six month PET scan - "All Clear!" That's exactly what I was expecting, but it sure was nice to hear them say it! I am six months removed from chemotherapy, and there is no evidence of disease in my body! I can't even put my feelings into words at this point!

Recently, I have been reading in the Old Testament, rereading some of the old familiar stories. I was studying the story of Noah the other day and read this verse:

"And God remembered Noah..." Genesis 8:1

Isn't that beautiful? God remembered Noah. He remembered. That would probably be a good memory verse for all of us! It’s pretty simple and we could change it to say, "And God remembered (insert your name)..."

"And God remembered Laura..."

That simple verse could change how we think about situations in our life, it could change our actions and responses to life. God remembers us! How amazing is that?!

And He sure remembered me this week! I'm pretty sure He was smiling, too, as the words "All Clear" rang out over the phone. He remembers me!

Thank you all for praying that we would hear those exact words!

Honesty

2010-09-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

Honesty has always been an important virtue to me. Some of the books that have most affected my life have been about honesty - honesty with God and honesty with myself. "Honest to God" by Bill Hybels, "The Lies We Believe" by Dr. Chris Thurman, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Feal the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers are among those books. I daily work to make sure that I am communicating honestly with Mark and with others. So when someone speaks the truth to me, I take it to heart...

Tonight, after speaking to the Women of COF, a young girl approached me and said these words:

"Your hair looks really bad in front."

Then she turned and walked away. My friend, Samantha, and I watched her leave; and then we both fell out laughing. It was a true statement. I've told you before that my hair has a life of its own right now. Her honesty made me smile, and honestly, I love that she said it! Because the truth is, I love my crazy hair!

Out of the mouths of babes...

Not Finished Yet

2010-09-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

Since finishing treatment and surgery, it has been interesting to me how many people have made the following statements to me:

"I'm so glad you are finished with all of that!"
"I'm glad it's all over!'
"So glad you are done and you don't have to deal with that anymore."

And many other similar remarks.

I just smile and acknowledge their kind hearts, but the truth is, I'm not finished yet. Not even close. Yes, I am finished with immediate treatment. Yes, I am finished with surgery. But I'm not finished with cancer. In fact, it seems like just recently the stress of the past 15 months is beginning to surface in me, Mark, and our girls. My husband and my children have all been so strong, pushing their own feelings aside in order to carry me through treatment. Now that it looks like I am well, the defenses are dropping and the feelings are surfacing. We are all feeling a little fragile at this point.

I think about cancer every day. I have physical changes and new routines that remind me of where I've been on a daily basis. Although they are less frequent now, I still have regular doctor visits and medical tests. I still take multiple dietary supplements prescribed by my doctor to treat side-effects of chemotherapy. Cancer is still part of my daily life.

I had a PET scan today. I didn't feel nervous about the test or the results of the test at all. Mark took me to the radiology center and patiently waited two hours while I was injected with radioactive glucose, waited for it to make its way through my body, and then spent 30 minutes in the scanning machine. Afterward we stopped to pick up lunch on the way to our staff meeting. Returning to the car I suddenly felt extremely fatigued. I realized that although I hadn't felt it, I must have been stressed all along. Mark got in the car and told me that he was having a mini meltdown too. Even though we fully believe that I am cancer-free, the waiting, hoping, and wondering are heavy loads to carry. Hopefully, the doctor will call soon with the report.

In the meantime, we'll carry on, as survivors. Never forgetting where we've been, and ever look forward to God's continued grace and strength.

Approved!

2010-09-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all of you who have been praying that our insurance company would approve a PET scan for me in September! The scan was approved and I will have it done Tuesday morning! Of course, I am expecting a good report just like I had with the colonoscopy last week. It will take a few days to actually get the results, and I will let you know as soon as I do. Thank you so much for your faithful prayers!

Spring Cleaning in the Fall

2010-09-12T21:09:00.000-05:00

After I was diagnosed with cancer, Mark and I seemed to miss summer, fall, winter, and spring. Cancer treatment was at the top of the priority list, and there was nothing else on the list. All the usual things fell by the wayside. Home maintenance, yard maintenance, cleaning, laundry, repairs - anything that wasn't directly related to cancer treatment just didn't happen in the last 15 months.

Now that treatment is behind us, it feels like we are beginning to emerge from the cocoon. Slowly, I am digging out from under the piles of paperwork that have been left to build over the past year. I have begun the unpleasant project of cleaning out the garage. You can imagine how fun that is after 15 months of not being swept or cleaned at all - lots of little critters are living there! I am getting rid of old clothes, and unused household items; cleaning out drawers and cabinets.

The funny thing is how good it feels! I actually have the strength and stamina to do these things! I can carry boxes! I can climb ladders! I can push and pull and sweep and scrub! And I am so happy to do so! Cancer definitely changes your perspective on things!

One of the projects that had been postponed was our yard. Sadly, we lost several palm trees and other plants during the past winter. And sadly for our neighbors, we hadn't done anything about the yard all this time! This past week, our good friend and landscaper, Fred, came to the rescue! His guys replaced our dead trees, brought new shrubs, trimmed and cleaned out the beds, planted seasonal flowers, checked the sprinkler system, and made our house look like someone lives in it again!

Fred spruced up the landscaping, but even more than that, he used his gifts and skills to touch my heart! In selecting new plants to put in our yard, Fred remembered my love for Latin America. When his crew arrived at our house they brought with them hibiscus, purple leaf banana, a tree from the Dominican Republic, a beautiful purple bougainvillea, and several other plants from Mexico. I was so touched that he would personalize my yard in this way, making it a special oasis for us!

Inspired by the new plants, I even decided to clean the back windows so we could actually look out and see them! I spent a couple of hours Saturday afternoon cleaning windows, cleaning patio furniture, and the back of the house. I woke up Sunday morning, sore all over, and loving it!

Every mundane task has new significance now. The ordinary chores of daily living bring joy. I feel like I am seeing things for the first time again, as if through the eyes of a child, full of wonder at the beauty of life. I am alive! Thank you God for new eyes to see the beauty of life!

One of the songs we sang at church today has the line, "I can't bow low enough..." And that's exactly how I feel now. I can't bow low enough. I can't begin to express my gratitude to God for what He's done in my life. For now, I'll just keep singing, and cleaning, smiling, and enjoying every new day.

Cielo by Phil Wickham
I can't bow low enough
I can't bow low enough
at the vision of You my God
I can't hold it all inside
I'm reaching for the One who brought me out of death and into life
but I can't lift my hands high enough
lift my hands high enough
when I'm reaching for You my God
I can't lift my hands high enough
lift my hands high enough
when I'm reaching for You my God
oh I'm reaching for You my God

Link to "Cielo" by Phil Wickham

I hope God gives each of you new eyes to see the beauty of each new day. Have a great week!